Blog entry for:

whether i am ready to have the POWER that fuels my recovery remove them!
arrogance and disdain, two of the character traits that certainly protected me as i walked through a life of active addiction. i can catalog others as well, the point being, that character defects, at least for this addict, ARE what kept me sane enough to make it to recovery.
all of this brings me to the present tense, in more ways than one. in less than three hours i will be jetting back tot he place where it all started. the birthplace, for lack of a better term of my life as a using and active addict, way back when. the last time i was there, i decided that to improve my life, i would join the navy. this time i am certain my visit will have a bit more sanity and will not end up with my volunteering myself for military duty. there is without a doubt. more than a little insanity running around my addict brain this morning. what if i run into someone i used to know? what if i get overwhelmed by feelings? what if monkeys fly out of my a$$, to use a familiar bon mot of one of my friends. my point is all of this insanity has very little to do with reality and more to do with dealing with the unknown. really, i will be just fine, as i have a portable program, that i cannot accidentally leave behind. in fact i have already looked up meetings on-line and there are 133 within 5 miles of where i am staying. i walked at least 5 miles to get high more than once, if it comes down to my life in active recovery, i can be certain that i CAN walk less than 5 miles, and more than certain i will.
so what is it i am really feeling today? there is a certain unease about returning to the so-called scene of the crime. this is part of life that i had successfully buried until the last 90 days or so. as i lingered on the doorstep of my imminent FOURTH STEP, i wondered what it was that i needed to be examining. what i heard, when i finally sat down, shut up and listened was this time in my life. my life as a beginning addict and the garbage i accumulated on my death march towards being a full-fledged, card-carrying, addict. the other FOURTH STEPS while thorough and fearless at those times, never brought me to this point in my recovery. in order for me to grow, i must face this part of my past, and put it, like the rest of my past into proper perspective. the FEAR of what i may uncover, or even worse what may not be there, has paralyzed me for long enough. even though i will not write over the weekend, i can certainly face some feelings, and allow myself to be okay, in the here and now. this is where the FAITH kicks in. i am certain that the POWER that fuels my recovery, did not bring me all this way to destroy me. i can and will face my old stomping grounds and whatever else may come about as a result of my trip, all i have to do is allow that POWER to take care of my will and my life and what i need to see, what i need to feel, will happen of its own accord.
my character defects? well silly guys, when i get to that step, i will deal with them, for now, i will allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to do IT's gig, as i am certain that i do NOT need any of them for my survival today.
off to the showers i go and then into the wild blue to jet back east.

∞ DT ∞