โณ defects โฐ
Posted: Tue, May 17, 2016 08:03:01 AM
once again, i get to write on one of my least favorite topics, defects and the SIXTH STEP. at least it will start out that way, one never knows what tangent i may go out on, as i get rolling down the pike.in the past i would have said i “hated” this reading because of the unpleasant feeling it created within me. part of the reason i am not a huge fan of STEP SIX, is simply because of the feelings i have when i work it, when i think about it and when it works me. part of my rationalization for my arrogance, comes from my belief that i am really better than others. yeah, not a whole helluva lot humility in that statement. that belief, which was part of the belief structure that i had built in active addiction, kept me from getting any better, for a very long stretch of my recovery and certainly was what kept me seeking a way out of this “freak show.” as i learn who i am, and where i belong, that belief gets pommeled on a daily basis. before working STEP SIX, i might have become more arrogant as my belief and denial structure collapsed into ruins around me, and i am more than certain that i did and still do, act in an arrogant manner, that is.
so how did the SIXTH STEP become my least favorite of all the steps? for me, i used those parts of me that one might consider “defective” as a huge way to batter myself on a continual basis. it was especially prevalent as i was writing STEP FOUR and after working STEP FIVE with my sponse. the pattern of self-abuse ⇒ shame ⇒ using something anything ⇒ arrogance, was my main modus operendi for the first bit of my recovery. even today, there are days when i feel the need to return to that cycle, especially when i am working up to a place i have top admit some sort of wrong. honestly i hate admitting i am wrong, and it always takes more time that i think it needs to, for me to get the cajones to make that admission.
having that knowledge is wonderful, especially as that rigid denial/belief structure crumbles to pieces and a new belief system replaces it. yes i am dismantling a structure and replacing it with a system, as weird as that may sound, it is the closest i can come to describing what recovery has done and is doing to me. that structure protected the fragile me, that i was, not unlike a tortoise's shell. the denial part was more like an ostrich sticking its head in the sand, so when i came to recovery i was a weird cross between and ostrich and a tortoise. even trying to picture that today is quite absurd and i am sure a clinical psychologist would have a field day with that revelation.
where does that leave me today? well the weird chimera i once was, can come back to haunt me, and the SIXTH STEP seems to trigger that image time and again. it is true, that i believe that i am on a path that relieves me of my need for that structure that i spent so long building and protecting. it is also true, that i can feel “less than” from time to time as well. my standard operating procedure is to walk in the light of the FAITH, that once needed to be protected and walled off from the world, is becoming irrelevant and without the power it once had. holding my head high and walking in FAITH, gives me the desire to move forward and retake my place as part of the human race, and it is my peers and acquaintances that give me the courage to do so.
FEAR drives the unpleasant feelings i have when i think about STEP SIX. FAITH gives me the courage to persevere and move forward and it is that FAITH i attempt to give away on a daily basis, because i know i am no different than the other recovering people i share my life with, just for today.
so how did the SIXTH STEP become my least favorite of all the steps? for me, i used those parts of me that one might consider “defective” as a huge way to batter myself on a continual basis. it was especially prevalent as i was writing STEP FOUR and after working STEP FIVE with my sponse. the pattern of self-abuse ⇒ shame ⇒ using something anything ⇒ arrogance, was my main modus operendi for the first bit of my recovery. even today, there are days when i feel the need to return to that cycle, especially when i am working up to a place i have top admit some sort of wrong. honestly i hate admitting i am wrong, and it always takes more time that i think it needs to, for me to get the cajones to make that admission.
having that knowledge is wonderful, especially as that rigid denial/belief structure crumbles to pieces and a new belief system replaces it. yes i am dismantling a structure and replacing it with a system, as weird as that may sound, it is the closest i can come to describing what recovery has done and is doing to me. that structure protected the fragile me, that i was, not unlike a tortoise's shell. the denial part was more like an ostrich sticking its head in the sand, so when i came to recovery i was a weird cross between and ostrich and a tortoise. even trying to picture that today is quite absurd and i am sure a clinical psychologist would have a field day with that revelation.
where does that leave me today? well the weird chimera i once was, can come back to haunt me, and the SIXTH STEP seems to trigger that image time and again. it is true, that i believe that i am on a path that relieves me of my need for that structure that i spent so long building and protecting. it is also true, that i can feel “less than” from time to time as well. my standard operating procedure is to walk in the light of the FAITH, that once needed to be protected and walled off from the world, is becoming irrelevant and without the power it once had. holding my head high and walking in FAITH, gives me the desire to move forward and retake my place as part of the human race, and it is my peers and acquaintances that give me the courage to do so.
FEAR drives the unpleasant feelings i have when i think about STEP SIX. FAITH gives me the courage to persevere and move forward and it is that FAITH i attempt to give away on a daily basis, because i know i am no different than the other recovering people i share my life with, just for today.
∞ DT ∞