Blog entry for:

their company, their wisdom and their challenges as my equals.
well, there are certainly a bunch of directions i can go with this topic, this morning. amazingly, the readings always seem to evoke theme in my life and my recovery, and the one of defects of character has been echoing all week long. i have, however, worked that particular aspect of this topic to death in both my head and my life over the course of the past seven days, so i chose to go a different direction this morning.
the use of the word “peers” in recovery, is a relatively new aspect of how i look at my life in recovery. part of how i was cultured was that society and the world is segregated into stratum, and it was always my job to figure which one i fit in and how i could best do what i to protect and enforce my position there. anything else, would result in a loss of status and position. over time, i came to see addicts, and i did know that term when i walked into the rooms, as something less than me, regardless of where in that social spectrum they happened to dwell. to me, they were incapable of holding their lives together and enjoy the benefits of getting high. i was in any case so much better than them, that i could learn to use their needs and desires to fulfill my own, but in no way was i owned by the substances i used, i could quit anything at any time, and had ample evidence to support that particular point of view. my resistance to the notion that i was an addict, was the direct result of that attitude. as i fought the notion of me being addicted, i did what i could to still be something more than just another addict. i maintained i was unique and my “personal” program of recovery, consisted of straddling two fellowships, making sure i belonged to neither. while i was starting to “get it,” it became about what and how much i used, and the stratification within those fellowships was based on that silly notion in my head. of course, i was so much fVCking better in the one fellowship, because i never had withdrawals from alcohol and could not i understand the driving need to drink, after all alcohol was the most socially acceptable of the substances i used. in the fellowship that was to become my home, well, i differentiated on what and how long the others used for, and put myself into a scale based on that criteria.
once i finally accepted that yes i was an addict, and not addicted to stuff, and there is certainly a distinction, the class system in my head was based on clean time. the longer someone was clean, the more status they had in my eyes, and i could not wait to get into that very select group by staying clean for five, ten fifteen years or more. in the meantime, however, i was unworthy to be in their company, and my peers consisted of only those addicts in the room, that had similar amounts of clean-time, as i could certainly see being their equals.
coming to a place, where low self-esteem and class-consciousness, no longer play such a huge role in my life, i see that construct kept me from fully participating in my life and my recovery for quite some time. truthfully, i do not believe that the notion pd egalitarianism, based on being in the rooms, even started to take hold, until my last SIXTH and SEVENTH STEPS and it is quite a feat that is stayed clean, even though i worked against the imaginary class structure that i forced upon my world.
where does that leave me this morning? well feeling more than a little grateful, that i have become open-minded enough to realize that anyone who is in the rooms, and comes back more than once, is my peer and is deserving of me giving them what i have, even when i cannot stand to be around them.
with that in mind, i think i will head on out, this Saturday morning and see if i can participate in my life, rather than just watch the parade go by.

∞ DT ∞