Blog entry for:

i am ready, there are some things that just happen. many times against my will i find that one defect of character or another has been diminished to the point, where i can no longer detect it. becoming entirely ready, at least for me, is a negative feedback loop. as the returns for acting on a defect diminish, i become more and more willing to have it removed. i have played the game of misnaming my defects. i have played the game of buying into the story that is i have one defect or another, i must have been “created” for a reason beyond my ken, so each and every defect is a work of that perfect POWER. the litany of the ways and means i have used to keep from being entirely ready goes on and on, and detailing those methods serves little purpose today, save to beat myself into a state of senseless shame. the fact is, change is something i resist and the removal of familiar and comfortable nasty bits, is a process i resist even more.
moving on from becoming ready, this morning i went down a different path. although hearing the voices of my peers, screaming their denials of this and that, were the original focus, it quickly shifted into echos of what i heard last night, in the course of carrying the message. i like to think that i am doing some sort of noble work, when i do the service that i am called to do. i know that in the past, the service i do for my fellowship was never going to look like it does today. those service efforts were driven more by ego and i am grateful that any damage i may have done, was quickly repaired when i left committee service. that entire chapter in my service to the fellowship career was the direct result of character defects i was unwilling to have removed. today, as i consider what i heard and said last night, i can see a bit of humility where once there was arrogance and conceit. those behaviors were a direct result of me not feeling i was “good enough,” and lacking any other tools to bolster that low worth. ironically, i am not worth any more today, than i was way back when, i just see myself in a more realistic light and recognize the worth that was always there. the stories i tell myself to shelter my fragile ego from the harsh, cold winds of reality, no longer ring true. i understand that once those tall tales were necessary for my survival, but staying clean a few days in a row, through all sorts of changes, demonstrates that i can thrive, no matter what.
anyhow, as this day will be one in which i am engaged with one professional or another, i guess i should wrap this exercise up, get off my a$$ and get some exercise, just in case i lack the opportunity to do so, as this day grinds on. it is a good day to be clean and a better day to be the sort of person that i have always wanted to be. yeah, i will probably have more than one instance of behaving in a rude and arrogant manner over the course of this day, BUT there is a solution that i can uncover today, if i allow myself to let go of who i think i am, and become who i am.

∞ DT ∞