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i may find that my mind just may begin to open up and i can then begin the process of change. i got calls from two sponsees last night and the difference between them is amazing. one stayed clean for almost six years without working a step, the other always relapses right when he starts step 4. the first is willing to do whatever it takes grow his recovery program, the latter does whatever it take only when he is once again in trouble and his world has once again fallen apart, one is an example of surrender and willingness, the other an example of self-will run riot. so why have i spent the first 50 or so words comparing and contrasting these two men? namely because i am similar to both of them. although relapse is not part of my story, i too, believed i had a better way to stay clean, and that i knew what i needed to do, and that the rooms were a waste of time for someone like me, i was different! after a few rude awakenings i moved into the surrender mode, and today my heart and my mind is solidly ensconced in the fellowship that has provided me his new manner of living.
i use examples like thees in my own head to figure out exactly where i am in the continuum of resignation, surrender and acceptance. knowing where i am, emotionally and spiritually is part of being present with myself and my path of recovery. when i am resigned to the path, self-will kicks in and all of a sudden, BOOM, i am disregarding the collective experience of those who have gone before me. i find myself doing and saying things that are abhorrent to me most of the time, and i feel as if this whole recovery gig is being shoved down my throat. for me, resignation creates an attitude of compliance rather than willingness, and my mind snaps shut. this happens more than i would like to admit, and in the long run, that is the path back to active addiction for me, the path that the part of me i call the disease of addiction generally prefers.
when i am in surrender, i am in a better state, as then i am least willing to listen, although most of time i disregard what is being said to me. i am in recovery, but hardly active recovery, as i do the bare minimum to stay clean today, no matter what.
acceptance, for me is the preferable state, and i do find myself there most of the time these days, i like the gift of the lack of desire to use, and my state of being connected through the program to a spiritual source that is beyond my ken.
it is my working with men in the program that allows me to see where i am and where i want to go today. they provide me the clues i need to see what i am, namely just another addict doing his best to stay clean today and live a program that is more than not using.
anyhow, i have few more sponsees to respond to this morning, so i guess i will move along and finish what needs to be done, on this beautiful Tuesday morning. it is after all a great day to accept what i need to accept and be who i need to be.

∞ DT ∞