Blog entry for:

not quite sure what the reading was all about this morning, it took my thought process down two different tracks. the first track was about listening actively to what is being shared as i attend meetings. that thought process was where my morning meditation went. after a couple of hours of work and reading the entry again, the entry speaks to me of the change that has occurred over the stretch of my days abstinent and then in recovery of what happens in meetings for me. although either track is suitable for blogging about for this addict this morning perhaps i will try and reconcile my thought processes into a single track.
when i first came to meetings i was unwilling, closed-minded, dishonest and had actually no desire to stay clean. so i heard very little of what anyone was sharing. i could not identify in the meetings i was attending in those days and anything anyone said was fodder for the i am so fucking different cannon, that only the threat of prison kept me sitting in my chair. my patient sponsor got me through the twelve steps and i did stay clean those first thirteen months and i started to want to stay clean for myself, but i stilled lacked meetings where i could really talk about and hear what was going on in the lives of recovering addicts. a recovery event in greeley colorado, opened my eyes to what the problem was and it presented me with a solution -- start the meetings i NEEDED to RECOVER!
so for the first thirteen months only my body was a participant in meetings and recovery, i remained abstinent and compliant, but never surrendered and certainly got very few of the gifts that others were sharing about -- happiness, serenity and acceptance. since that time, my head, and my heart started coming to meetings and i have experiences a cosmic shift in my outlook. for me, meetings are where i get to hear what is really going on inside of me. each time another addict in recovery shares, i get a window into the abyss of the part of me i call my disease, even when all they share is advice and crosstalk. my reactions and thought processes that get started after the meeting, usually lead me in the direction of where my recovery needs to go at that time. all the time i wasted in rebutting and dismissing what others had to share were necessary for me to come to love the fellowship that has given me this new life. and although i can go to ‘good’ or ‘bad’ meetings, they really are all the same. it is my head that puts the label on them when i cannot shut off the critic inside and actually listen to what is and what is not being said as others share. so just for today i believe i will work on listening more with my heart and less with my head to see what happens!

∞ DT ∞