Blog entry for:

i came to meetings with a chip on my shoulder; one of those who sits in the back of the rooms with my arms folded across my chest, glaring threateningly at anyone who approached me.
okay i have said it before, and i will only mention it in passing here, YES i was one of those who came on a court card angry and abusive to the very people who ended-up saving my life. the miracle is, that after over twelve years of **being around** the fellowship i am still here. since i am one of those who does not have relapses as part of my story, the only context i can use that cop-out term is here. i always wonder why members are so lacking in self-esteem that they need to stretch the period of their recovery by using this term. for me, when i use it, it is often because i lack the self-esteem to man up to my real clean time. i know today that the seven month period that comprises the span of time between my first meeting and when i finally surrendered to the program was not recovery. i accept that it was just a compliance with the higher powers in my life at that time. i all really learned about recovery was how to talk the talk and act as if i really had recovery. the sham that i was, played out twice daily as i dutifully attended meetings and went to treatment, but i had no intention of every being part of the freak show of recovery. so when i see the same behavior in those members in meetings today, i hold my tongue, because i know if someone had called me out on this i would have been long gone, screw the consequences.
so fast forward to today and i see myself as a REAL member of the fellowship and one who is grateful that i no longer need to shade my clean time with the comfort food of using terms like **being around** or **just my clean date has changed** or my favorite **i have not lost my recovery!**
i see that it is because i kept coming back, even when it was the most heinous thing i could imagine, that i see when the fraud finally stopped and i finally came to some sort of sense about who i was and what i needed to do about that. it was actually thirteen months after my clean date. two months after the completion of my first cycle of twelve steps and six months before i found my first sponsor in the fellowship where i truly belonged back then and where i belong still today. the amazing thing is, that i did bring the body and my heart and mind did finally arrive, and today i am grateful for all of those who put up with me from the day i went to my very first meeting until i woke-up this morning. i know who is responsible for giving me the chance to find out who and what i am, and most of all i am grateful that they did not give up on me, when i lacked the self-esteem and self-acceptances necessary to man up and accept the responsibility required to be a member and to be in recovery.
so if you are counting it has been over twelve years since my first meeting, it has been almost eleven years since i got clean and almost a decade since i actually arrived in the fellowship that is my home today. adn what a long strange trip it has been. so off to the streets and into the real world, grateful for the desire to stay clean today.

∞ DT ∞