Blog entry for:

of change, for me started with the feeling of desperation i finally recognized after being **around** recovery for over two years. that little bout of self-will, that ended without me using drove me into the arms of the fellowship that is my life today. i may not have been grateful fro the opportunity to finally surrender to being powerless over addiction, but i was willing.

Jon P,
congrats on THREE (3) years clean!
I guess some of us can stay clean on ass-mosis! Hope to see you soon.

as i was perusing my entry from last year, i certainly was worked up about the obvious hate and intolerance i saw in the news every single day. i do not know if i have become inured to the actions of those bigoted, racist assholes or not, but it certainly has fallen down on my list of topics to rail about. my reaction today is to act with a bit more kindness. a bit more tolerance and when i look at my day, i look to see if i have treated anyone in a disrespectful manner based on their external appearances. the good news here is, my reaction to what i hear and see has made me a bit kinder and certainly a bit more forgiving, even as i drive through “Laugh-A-Lot” on a twice daily basis.
i have, however, gone astray and it is time to get back on topic. so yes, actually over two years of being in the rooms and eighteen months of continuous clean time was how long it took to finally arrive at the place, that i could recover, even though i was pretty sure that was the last thing that i wanted to do. not being one of those who were struck clean, i see that my experience is just as valuable as theirs, perhaps a bit more as i had to learn all sorts of accommodations to get to that jumping off place. denial and the walls of isolation were tough to get through. i was different and was never going to change into someone who would just blindly go along with the crowd. i had been there and done that many, many times in active addiction and was loathe to do so, now that i had lost the desire to use. so when that wall was cracked open and i was given an opportunity to step beyond what i once was, i finally did and guess what i did not become an instant recovery guy that i tried to be up until that time.
one of the things that strikes me about some of those who are struck clean, is their attempts to bend groups to their selfish, self-centered needs. i went through the same thing and i was skilled enough at doing so, that i ended up having to make more than a few amends to the groups and committees i manipulated in doing my will. learning humility is the toughest task for this addict and one of the activities i participate in now, is helping to form a group conscience, instead of directing it to the outcome i desire. i still have very strong opinions and when it might appear to work in my favor, can parrot the party line to “look good.” the best part of my life today, is that finding the ways and means to get high is not my driving force and i can welcome anyone and everyone into the fellowship that is my home. yes, i may still be different from my peers, but my similarities far outweigh those differences and i GET to participate in a process that i once scorned and did my best to disqualify myself from, just for today.

∞ DT ∞