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and may even hear someone talking with whom i can relate.
i could once again relate the story of how i got here and what it was like for me, back in the day. if however, you are a frequent reader, you already know it and if not, well run through the threads and glean it from other entries. this morning, what i heard was the whole keep coming back theme. it is true, that i have been clean fro a minute or so. it is also true, that i have a bit of recovery, most days. so why in the world, would i NEED to keep coming back and what GOOD is it really doing me? after all…
after a quick break to make sure the wolves of the mortgage company do not come howling round my door, i can honestly say that is an interesting question. when i look at those who are still here, and those who have disappeared and come back, i see that meetings was what separates those two groups. the fact that those who stick around seem to be more serene and better capable of dealing with life on its own terms, says a lot for the staying power of meeting attendance. what about those who disappear and end up doing very well? for all i know, that may be a majority of those who have walked away from the program. it just may be that for some, their drug problem is simply a physical dependence that can be relieved very quickly and they can return to their normal lives. for others, it =may be that they were going through a troubling spot in their lives, where using relieved the pain of living, and once things got better, the desire to use left and never returned. as i can see either of those possibilities for others, i no longer see in the rooms, it gets me to thinking that maybe i am one of those sorts. as i grew habituated to the relief that using brought me, i manifest all the signs of an addict, but never really was one of those, i mean seriously, how would i know after being in the rooms for so long, the only way for me to discover that fact, is try to go out and do some controlled using. there you have it, the one thing that this fellowship NEVER suggests that an addict of any sort do. it may be, that i could use just once and be fine, BUT am i willing to risk my life on a notion that is better left in the theoretical world? if i really am an addict, as i have come to believe, and if i like the gifts i have been as a result of hanging around, what purpose would it serve to throw it all away on the slim chance that maybe i was a victim of habituation and not real addiction. the more i think about it, if i got habituated to using and getting high once, what would protect me from going there again? moving along in that same vein, when i was getting habituated to using, just getting stoned, soon was not enough for me and i HAD to try new and different drugs to find new and different highs, and in the course of my use, there was not anything i did not try once. so if i was merely a creature of habit, why did i continue to escalate my use with greater doses of ever stronger substances through faster and more dangerous delivery methods, until i started to pull back in an effort to deny what i really was.
dang it, looking at it in that manner, pretty well disqualifies me from the normal world, as most normal humans a never go anywhere close to where i went, and still from time to time, reminisce fondly about. so i guess, that if i want to return to that life, all i need to do, is stop showing up, get my red card and let go. on the other hand, if i want to continue my journey of becoming the man i was meant to be, than a meeting or three per week, every week, does not seem too high of a price to pay. so i think i will take care of my service commitment, jump into the shower and head on over to my home group, because it is there i am among those who undertsand where i could be going, on way or the other.

∞ DT ∞