Blog entry for:

with willingness would not be an apt description of my state of mind when i attended my first meetings. in fact, it was probably hundreds of meetings before i had an iota of willingness to partake of what this program has to offer, to my great detriment. it is that history that makes me question the willingness of the newest of my peers, when they just **seem** to be struck clean. perhaps i will delve a bit deeper into that notion later. i can say, that just for today, i am willing to do more than just show up, i am willing to live a program of recovery.
this morning, i was going to pop-off i quickie with a few bon mots and bumper stickers, before i went hiking with a peer in recovery who became a friend. right now, i am grateful that i decided to defer this until after 10 miles in a gem of Boulder County open space. ironically, once again, what was supposed to be 7.5 miles, somehow turned in 10, as it often happens when my friend and i start on one of our adventures.i am not complaining, but i know a nap is in my near future as i “recover” from this morning's tour of the local foothills. i know that without this program and just enough stubborn determination to ride out my consequences, that sort of morning activity would not be part of any of my plans for the day. i am grateful for that particular gift and glad that i did stick around until my heart ended-up smack dab in recovery.
my struggles to find a place to be and accept that this program just might be that place, is probably part of why i continue to stick around. for me, if some sort of switch had been flicked on, all those day ago, i would fear that it could as easily be shut off. since my willingness was more like a “dimmer switch” it would take a bit more effort to extinguish it entirely. just for today, it may not be turned all the way up, but it is shining brightly and for me, that is more than enough.

∞ DT ∞