โ i came to the rooms because recovery was โ
Posted: Sun, Jun 1, 2014 10:37:24 AM
my GET OUT OF PRISON free card. no lie, no hyperbole, no exaggeration, when i finally got clean after seven months of noodling around with the notion, taking key-tags and learning all the right things to say, it was my alternative to a three year prison sentence. i say that as a disclaimer, especially when i participate in service, because my notion of what my so-called “bottom” was back then, and what i see it as today, are quite different, and that is the seed for this little exercise in semi-random brain dumping.
i had no intention, of being in recovery after eighteen months, and spent the first thirteen of those months complying with everyone and everything. i did what my sponsor told me to do. i paid my fines, my restitution, i went to work, i did service in the fellowships i was straddled between, but i never expected for this stuff to become an integral part of my life. in short i became the model fellowship member, in both fellowships, while all the time ion my head, i was certain that i belonged in neither. during that time, i also worked all twelve steps, and started to see some changes in the manner in which others reacted to me. i started to awaken from my somnolent state and look at the world around me, for the the first time in twenty-five years. most importantly i realized that soon, long before my planned exit stage right, i was going to be in real trouble. i felt the desire to use, creeping back. i felt the isolation starting to feel good, and i was making notes about who i could score from, and not get outed to the groups. all in all, i had my relapse planned and the path was opening before me, it was probably only a matter of days, but BOOM, i went to a convention and everything i thought i knew about recovery and addiction was tossed out with much celebration and mirth. i began to “get” that it was not that i was “addicted to” substances, IT WAS THAT I WAS AN “ADDICT,” i WAS not powerless over substances, and the quitting of their use was not the event i should focus on. although it was another six months or so, before i started working with a sponsor on the steps as seen through the eyes of this recovery fellowship, the revelation about being more than a collection of addictions, was enough to push me safely back into the rooms, and the motivator to get more meetings rolling, consistently, in my home town, as i knew there were many others, that were in the same boat. do not get me wrong, i did not help start the meetings for them, i did it for me, as the last thing i wanted to do was to drive over to Boulder every day, just to go to a meeting! all the meeting i help start, were motivated by selfishness and self-concern and those who benefited because of my self-centered actions, well this may be a process for those who work the “mysterious ways” angle.
today, i look back at everything i did wrong, as well as everything i did correctly and amazed that i could stay clean and actually get over myself and learn to become a member and peer of the fellowship that has given me so much more than just a bit of material success. ironically, way back when i was unwilling to drive to Boulder every day for a meeting, but these days my home group is over there, earlyish on a Saturday morning. even more amazing the meeting that me and a few other addicts got rolling, all those days ago, has grown into a local fellowship that is without a doubt a favorable reflection on the fellowship that has given me this new way of living. i GET to witness my second convention, in my home town and most of the meetings here are very well attended, with addicts who have some clean time accumulated, as well as newer members crawling out from under the throes of active addiction. as much as i would like to take credit for that result, as i kept coming back, i know that it was not me. it was the work of the POWER that fuels my recovery, and all the missteps, the frauds and bad behavior i practiced in those early days, were necessary to get me to where i am today, which is a day free from the commitment i made three weeks ago. i have this Sunday off, and will come to enjoy it, in just a little while, as there are a few things that need to get done, before business opens tomorrow. i am grateful that i found this path, and even more so, that the POWER that fuels my recovery, gave me what i needed to stay here, all of you!
so off to a workout with the dawg to see if the two of us can burn off some Calories and get a bit more fit than we were yesterday.
i had no intention, of being in recovery after eighteen months, and spent the first thirteen of those months complying with everyone and everything. i did what my sponsor told me to do. i paid my fines, my restitution, i went to work, i did service in the fellowships i was straddled between, but i never expected for this stuff to become an integral part of my life. in short i became the model fellowship member, in both fellowships, while all the time ion my head, i was certain that i belonged in neither. during that time, i also worked all twelve steps, and started to see some changes in the manner in which others reacted to me. i started to awaken from my somnolent state and look at the world around me, for the the first time in twenty-five years. most importantly i realized that soon, long before my planned exit stage right, i was going to be in real trouble. i felt the desire to use, creeping back. i felt the isolation starting to feel good, and i was making notes about who i could score from, and not get outed to the groups. all in all, i had my relapse planned and the path was opening before me, it was probably only a matter of days, but BOOM, i went to a convention and everything i thought i knew about recovery and addiction was tossed out with much celebration and mirth. i began to “get” that it was not that i was “addicted to” substances, IT WAS THAT I WAS AN “ADDICT,” i WAS not powerless over substances, and the quitting of their use was not the event i should focus on. although it was another six months or so, before i started working with a sponsor on the steps as seen through the eyes of this recovery fellowship, the revelation about being more than a collection of addictions, was enough to push me safely back into the rooms, and the motivator to get more meetings rolling, consistently, in my home town, as i knew there were many others, that were in the same boat. do not get me wrong, i did not help start the meetings for them, i did it for me, as the last thing i wanted to do was to drive over to Boulder every day, just to go to a meeting! all the meeting i help start, were motivated by selfishness and self-concern and those who benefited because of my self-centered actions, well this may be a process for those who work the “mysterious ways” angle.
today, i look back at everything i did wrong, as well as everything i did correctly and amazed that i could stay clean and actually get over myself and learn to become a member and peer of the fellowship that has given me so much more than just a bit of material success. ironically, way back when i was unwilling to drive to Boulder every day for a meeting, but these days my home group is over there, earlyish on a Saturday morning. even more amazing the meeting that me and a few other addicts got rolling, all those days ago, has grown into a local fellowship that is without a doubt a favorable reflection on the fellowship that has given me this new way of living. i GET to witness my second convention, in my home town and most of the meetings here are very well attended, with addicts who have some clean time accumulated, as well as newer members crawling out from under the throes of active addiction. as much as i would like to take credit for that result, as i kept coming back, i know that it was not me. it was the work of the POWER that fuels my recovery, and all the missteps, the frauds and bad behavior i practiced in those early days, were necessary to get me to where i am today, which is a day free from the commitment i made three weeks ago. i have this Sunday off, and will come to enjoy it, in just a little while, as there are a few things that need to get done, before business opens tomorrow. i am grateful that i found this path, and even more so, that the POWER that fuels my recovery, gave me what i needed to stay here, all of you!
so off to a workout with the dawg to see if the two of us can burn off some Calories and get a bit more fit than we were yesterday.
∞ DT ∞