Blog entry for:

ah so in my post yesterday instead of saying i was on version 4.0, a more accurate representation of that metaphor would have version 3.11.9, you figure it out!
moving into the topic at hand, i am one of those who did not come to recovery willingly. i was forced to come in the beginning, the price for complying with the seemingly onerous and heinous conditions of my continued freedom, and it irked me to no end. only when the misery of the constant obsession to use drove me to actually work the steps, and then only enough to allow the ONLY promise my fellowship makes, to be fulfilled. and yet, here i am, many days later, cruising through my second decade clean, and i still keep coming back. so the question really needs to be why?
i see my peers attend meetings haphazardly and some of them have become clean time thieves, only showing up on their clean date anniversary and then acting all humble and grateful, only to disappear into the weeds for another year. some of them only show up when the sh!t hits the fan, and then only to puke and walk away fro another stretch of time. others do just fine, not even bothering to show up for meetings at all, i speak to them, they seem serene, and grounded. their lives appear to be all together and for all i can see, they are not suffering the slings and arrows of addiction. the question i return to, is why should i continue to go to meetings when it seems that there does seem to be some magic barrier one crosses when meeting attendance becomes highly optional.
of course, there is always the flip side. it seems the peers i respect the most, the ones that actually have something i want, are the ones that continue to attend meetings regularly even well into their third and fourth decades of recovery. they are the ones that admit, and do so freely, when they have become the “still suffering” addict, even though they have clean time. they are the ones, who do not ignore their peers by focusing their TWELFTH STEP work on the newest members. they are a part of the fellowship, without conditions and excuse. they just are. which group can i safely belong to, is what i end up asking?
yes i may have “suffered” through active addiction, but just because i get clean, does not mean my suffering stopped. my uncontrollable use of drugs was just the visible part of what being an addict was all about, so clean time, is also just the visible part of recovery. as time moves forward, i get to become more than i ever was, and the reason i can progress in that journey, is i have moved way beyond the substance, i have left the lobby and have moved on to what some may deride as “advanced recovery.” the truth is, it is basic recovery, because i see recovery as more than not using, just for today. that is what my recovery program is contingent upon, but it is not the end all or even the ultimate definition of what makes me an addict today. i have not put a qualifier in from of the ADDICT label for quite some time, as i see myself as so much more than just another drug addict. my recovery MUST go beyond the cessation of the obsession to use, in order for me to live and part of allowing that process to happen, is going to meetings, on a very regular and yes predictable schedule.
i NEED to hear the newest members telling me how it is, and i am not talking about how good or bad the drugs are, but what they feel like. i need to see the glow of those meters who are in a “pink cloud,” and so fVcking proud of having twenty or thirty days clean. most importantly i need to see and hear my peers who have been doing this a while and have a clue or two about where this program can take them. and from time to time, i need to tell on myself and share that yes, today, i am part of the still suffering club and i have not recovered.

∞ DT ∞