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it was strongly suggested that i keep coming back and come back clean. like many of those suggestions in the early days, i did not believe it applied to me. oh i came back alright, but not clean, as i had yet to acquire the desire to even get clean. that desire did not come for almost seven months after my first meeting, and only as an alternative to going to prison.because of this checkered past, i have no problem allowing members and potential members the space they need to come to the same place. as bad as that may sound, it is how i roll, because like me, they are not ready until they are ready. also like me, they may not even be ready for this whole gig, until some sort of outside force makes this most palatable choice, out of a distasteful mix of various consequences.
since that first meeting and since i decided that this was the way of life that might be for me, a lot has happened. the most important event was actually a culmination of a process that i was oblivious to, namely the desire to use was lifted from me, and has yet to return. the days pile up, and each and every day that i am free from that desire, what that felt like fades that much more and i forget what those early days were like. yes, i am talking about the days between my first meeting and when i got clean as well as the days after i decided to stay clean and the desire to use was removed. i know it sounds like the difference is trivial, and perhaps as the cliché goes, i am splitting hairs, but i have always been a loophole lawyer sort of addict, looking for the way out. as hard as i have tried, i can see that there really is no way out for me, the choices are stark for me, i can be in active recovery with all that entails, i can be in abstinence, or i can be in active addiction. as much as i would love to discover some sort of shade of gray between that tri-state world, i have yet to do so.
what does all of this have to do with the parade of newcomers that come in and out of the doors of our fellowship? well, i can remember being overwhelmed by the amount of information that i was given by the group of addicts who started talking to me after that first meeting. in fact when they paused for a breath, i took my leave and ran out of there as quickly as i could. yest, there was something in that first meeting that attracted to to the fellowship that eventually became my home, and although i doubted that i would ever consciously decide not to use, i kept coming back. it has been over 5000 days since the last time i used, and that i quite an accomplishment for me, let a;lone anyone who suffers from addiction. i KNOW how i stayed clean and i even know WHY i stay clean today. HOW? i finally took what was suggested and tried it out instead of trying to find a way around it. WHY? because i happen to like what i have become as a result of working a program of active recovery. i have come to accept that for me, the tri-state world is a reality and i choose right here and right now to be in active recovery. so as i have been less that productive so far this week, it is time to sign-off and get the work i need to get done, done. it is a good day to be present ion this wonderful w0orld and as life presents me opportunities, i want to be present to choose the path i take. that is only possible, because the cloud of mind-numbing chemicals is no longer part of my reality, just for right now, anyhow.

∞ DT ∞