Blog entry for:

my mind has arrived and continues to remain inside the fellowship that has given me this recovery journey, even though i did my best to disqualify myself. nine thousand days ago, the last thing i desired was to stay clean for any longer than it took me to get untangled from the justice system. i am, however, so grateful that something happened. some of my peers may call it a miracle. others may say that attrition wore me down. i like to think that when given a choice that i had lost decades before, that i chose a path that led to limitless opportunities. no matter how one chooses to look at it, i can say that recovery provides me with an astounding number of choices and on some days, that is overwhelming. this morning, as i listened with a sort of open mind, what i heard was that i need to be better about reaching out to those i have known, but have decided to take a different path. these days, how one stays clean, is their business only. for this addict, i stay clean through the active application of the spiritual principles of a twelve step fellowship, just for today.
the past twelve hours have been more than a bit eventful and i my hope is that those events have opened the mind of someone else. this may sound a bit cruel, cold and callous, but i am grateful my Mom fell last night, as now, perhaps the reality of her situation will be revealed to her. she did not appear to be injured, a few minor cuts, and a bruised bottom and ego, seem to be the end result. this morning, in the cold harsh light of day, perhaps a bit more will be revealed. i can say that what i heard over and over and over again last night did little to assuage my misgivings. how does one tell someone that running a 10K is just part of who they are these days and is not looked upon as a source of pride? in fact, as i sat this morning, what kept coming up for me, was not that i ran the Bolder Boulder in under an hour, but the transformation that i have achieved, by choosing a path that has led to a more physically fit self. that path is a direct result of what i learned in recovery, specifically that if i wanted different results (i do), then i need to do things differently. 🥳
as i prepare to get out and about, this morning, my only choice is inside or outside. each has its costs and benefits. neither is more attractive than the other and perhaps a coin flip may decide the issue. the fact of the matter is, i will work out and very soon. i can also say that reaching out to a friend i have not seen in a bit of time, also felt “good” this morning. it may have slowed down my progression towards getting out, but i feel a connection to someone who has chosen a different path and has stayed clean, so it was hardly wasted time. it is a good day to be clean and have choices and no matter how much i want to deny it, i know this is the path to “more” for me.

∞ DT ∞