Blog entry for:

i am becoming free to live a life that is full, just for today. okay, first off, let me clear something up. my life was not exactly empty or devoid of any redeeming qualities back in active addiction. it is not true, at least for me, that my worst day clean was better than my best day using, and it chaps my hide when i hear others moaning and wailing that refrain. with that caveat in mind, my life certainly is better for the most part when i am in active recovery, actually living a program instead of mouthing the words. there are days when i have far too many things to do and not nearly enough time to do them. there are times when i feel overwhelmed by the gift of a full range of human emotions. and there are certainly days when i allow nothing to happen at all, by blocking it all out, because i desire a bit of down time.
i could go on and on, but i am quite certain my point has been made, so to zoom in on the here and now and be specific, what does my life look like today? well i have to officially fire a sponsee, as he was hesitant for whatever reason to complete the task himself. in that same letter i have to allow him the freedom to choose whether or not we will become and remain friends. i have to do a bit of work, i have to do some research, i need to do a bit of service, i may have an H&I commitment, i NEED to attend a meeting, i WANT to call my sponsor and arrange for some time with him and i have to do some work with a sponsee on his latest NINTH STEP amends. i would say that looks like a pretty full day from this perspective, and there is nothing on that list that is loathsome to me right now. all of those activities are gifts that come from the major gift recovery has given me, namely the DESIRE TO STAY CLEAN. the miracle of that is something i am grateful for each and every day. i understand what my life was like before i finally accepted recovery. i also understand what my life could become if i choose to walk away from recovery. those alternatives stretch before me each and every day, when the miracle happens. what miracle am i talking about now? the miracle of CHOICE! today, because i have worked and continue to work a program of active recovery, i GET to choose whether or not i will abstain from the use of mind and mood altering substances. from that choice springs the direction my day will take. the sponsee i am going to finish severing that relationship with does not get that choice, for him it is thrust upon him and is a weight he grudgingly carries throughout hie existence. for me, today is much more than just existing, i want to be a participant in my life, and i think i will do just that. so it is off to the showers and into this showery day to get done all the stuff i want and need to do today.

∞ DT ∞