ยน all the feelings ยฒ
Posted: Sat, Jun 13, 2015 07:59:41 AM
and ALL of the problems that go with living in reality.
living in reality, what a concept. i have said it in the past there are times when i could live like some of my friends who have decided to walk away from recovery, worrying about how they are going to eat, where they are going to sleep, and hope to get enough stuff to tide them over. simple worries, survival in this exurban jungle. they have no responsibilities, no where they need to be nor are they accountable to anyone else. all they have to do is stay one step ahead of the police and shuffle around their non-existent funds to pay whatever dope man happens to be hounding them the most. maybe not an easy life, but certainly a simple one, and when sh!t gets too real? well they have a built in escape valve, that is just a dose away.
when i consider it in that ,manner, stripping it over all its romantic glory, maybe, just maybe, i can start to feel a bit grateful for the life i do have: one chock full of responsibilities, bills, people, relationships, fellowship, steps, sponsorship, work and most of all feelings. yes, the real world for me anyhow, includes having to feel the full range of human emotions these days, and today, i feel a bit remorseful over the words i used to set the boundaries i needed to set, the other day. i am second guessing myself, wondering if i was too harsh, brutal or cold. what i keep feeling however, is that i did what i did, and since i cannot “unmail” a letter, just be at peace that what i said, do not write a second one begging for forgiveness or taking back any of the resolve i felt while writing it.
what i have also been hearing as i listened quietly over the past few days, is that for now, i need to rest assured that who i am becoming and the process that is driving that transformation, is exactly as it needs to be. i have a job that pays me very well. i have a program that is teaching me how to live. the envy i feel for the so-called “care-free” lifestyle of the sick and twisted, has them both no longer wondering where their next meal is coming from, nor where they will be sleeping tonight, as that is now a foregone conclusion, and if i truly consider what that life would mean for me, perhaps i would be lucky enough to end up there as well. that is one Bed and Breakfast, that i choose not to be a guest of today!
back to the real world, as it were. yes, i have to work today, just a bit. a sponsee is driving down to see me today, and i need to make room for him in my life. the lawn needs mowing. i need to open the doors at my home group. and the list of tasks and stuff goes on and on, and i have yet to step out of my7 door. today, i want to have a full life, but not too much fuller :) ! today i know that i can always choose to going back to the sort of living that led me to recovery in the first place, and live my life in the default mode, that i had become quite accustomed to across the course of the years. as i walk out to meet my obligations, fulfill my commitments and accept my responsibilities, the one thing that tops that list, is i NEED to do whatever i can to enhance my recovery and guarantee that just for today, i will not use, no matter what.
so high-ho, high-ho, it's off to …
living in reality, what a concept. i have said it in the past there are times when i could live like some of my friends who have decided to walk away from recovery, worrying about how they are going to eat, where they are going to sleep, and hope to get enough stuff to tide them over. simple worries, survival in this exurban jungle. they have no responsibilities, no where they need to be nor are they accountable to anyone else. all they have to do is stay one step ahead of the police and shuffle around their non-existent funds to pay whatever dope man happens to be hounding them the most. maybe not an easy life, but certainly a simple one, and when sh!t gets too real? well they have a built in escape valve, that is just a dose away.
when i consider it in that ,manner, stripping it over all its romantic glory, maybe, just maybe, i can start to feel a bit grateful for the life i do have: one chock full of responsibilities, bills, people, relationships, fellowship, steps, sponsorship, work and most of all feelings. yes, the real world for me anyhow, includes having to feel the full range of human emotions these days, and today, i feel a bit remorseful over the words i used to set the boundaries i needed to set, the other day. i am second guessing myself, wondering if i was too harsh, brutal or cold. what i keep feeling however, is that i did what i did, and since i cannot “unmail” a letter, just be at peace that what i said, do not write a second one begging for forgiveness or taking back any of the resolve i felt while writing it.
what i have also been hearing as i listened quietly over the past few days, is that for now, i need to rest assured that who i am becoming and the process that is driving that transformation, is exactly as it needs to be. i have a job that pays me very well. i have a program that is teaching me how to live. the envy i feel for the so-called “care-free” lifestyle of the sick and twisted, has them both no longer wondering where their next meal is coming from, nor where they will be sleeping tonight, as that is now a foregone conclusion, and if i truly consider what that life would mean for me, perhaps i would be lucky enough to end up there as well. that is one Bed and Breakfast, that i choose not to be a guest of today!
back to the real world, as it were. yes, i have to work today, just a bit. a sponsee is driving down to see me today, and i need to make room for him in my life. the lawn needs mowing. i need to open the doors at my home group. and the list of tasks and stuff goes on and on, and i have yet to step out of my7 door. today, i want to have a full life, but not too much fuller :) ! today i know that i can always choose to going back to the sort of living that led me to recovery in the first place, and live my life in the default mode, that i had become quite accustomed to across the course of the years. as i walk out to meet my obligations, fulfill my commitments and accept my responsibilities, the one thing that tops that list, is i NEED to do whatever i can to enhance my recovery and guarantee that just for today, i will not use, no matter what.
so high-ho, high-ho, it's off to …
∞ DT ∞