Blog entry for:

a life fuller than i ever imagined, even when i have nothing to do. the simple fact of the matter, even on those days, when i choose to do nothing, or very little, i still have a life full of responsibility, family, friends and peers. i could go on about how grateful i am for the life i have and hide behind a cloud of cigar smoke, bon mots and clichés, and move on. i am grateful for my life and most of those who are part of that life. nothing to see here, move along.
what popped off the stack this morning and consumed m y head as i was walking this morning, was why i believe i am not worthy of telling those people in my life, who are constantly critiquing how i look and how i live, to fVcking stop, PERIOD! it is true, that for the most part, the result of my FOURTH and FIFTH STEPS has been to honor myself, forgive myself and find a place for myself in the world, based on my new vision of who i am and am not. for the most part i have surrendered my need to seek approval from others, into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery and yet, in a few relationships i allow myself to be a doormat and just take sh!t from someone else and it is pissing me the fVck off. where i go when i get in this state, is to be quiet and blend into the background, so i do not have to make amends later for blowing up in the here and now. not a bad strategy for avoiding conflict, but certainly a very familiar one and one that is not healthy for me, nor part of who i am becoming, i guess the SIXTH STEP is already working me over and i need to make that call. it is a good day to be clean and a good day to honor and respect myself, no matter what. after all, if i choose to swallow this, who knows what i might be willing to swallow, down the line.

∞ DT ∞