Blog entry for:

i devoted all of my energy to maintaining my active addiction.
okay, so the gratitude is supposed to just drip out of me, like seat on a one hundred degree day, as i write on and on, about how full my life is these days and how empty it was back in the dark time, before recovery. just so i do not disappoint anyone, yes, i am grateful for the life i have today. it certainly more than i ever dreamed was possible and without a doubt, i would not have the people and the activities i have in my life today, had i been still using. 'nuff said.
what i heard this morning, was a reaction to a theme that has been going on in my life across the past few days, and i am not quite sure how to be okay with it. there is a member in our local fellowship that i truthfully just do not believe will ever get it, and the fact that they is even trying, now that it is way too late, really irks me to no end. i have got to a place where i am okay with them being around, and wasting my time as the crocodile tears that has been their trademark flow so freely and once again they tell us how terrible their life is. okay, maybe not so tolerant after all. anyhow, i have come to a place where i expect that behavior, and i am never disappointed at all. what pisses me off, is that now i am altering my plans, so i do not get caught up in a lie. i was considering going to the meeting last night. i got a call in the late afternoon asking me for a ride, so i said sorry i was not going to the meeting, try again later. of course, then i was ticked off, because in order to look good and not get seen for the lying sack of sh!t i can be from time to time, i did not go to the meeting. instead of being honest and saying that i did not know if i was going to a meeting but if i went i was not willing to give them a ride, i allowed my vanity to make the decision for me. i DID not want to do something that i SHOULD have been willing to do, in fact i would certainly do for just about anyone else, and i did not want to look human either. i still have this notion in my head about looking good being my first consideration, most of the time, and that totally sucks. recovery creates this cognitive dissonance within me from time to time, and although there is no way i owe anyone but myself an amends in this matter, i certainly do need to be honest and not play games, like block this peer from calling my phone, or screening my calls, so i do not have to paint myself into a spiritual corner. if i do not want someone riding in my car, i do not have to tap dance around the issue. i just need to own it and move on, it is who i am today, and the sooner i face that i can be petty, mean and unwilling, the sooner i can move on in my life. i certainly see a new TENTH STEP question in this experience for me: DID i allow myself to make plans, based on how i though it would make me look in the eyes of my peers?

∞ DT ∞