Blog entry for:

done and meeting the demands on my time, is a tricky proposition and one i am much better at these days. it is not as if i feel there are not enough hours in the day, or my obligations and responsibilities are overwhelming, on most days. over the course of my recovery i have learned how to say NO. i have also learned that if i do not value my time and my self, i get caught up in doing far more than i can accomplish on a daily basis. no matter how many times i tell any of the men that call me their sponsor, that they need to put themselves above everyone else to be able to thrive, i find myself sitting in a pit of resentments over taking on the responsibilities, tasks or obligations that others choose to pile on me. here is the rub, i CHOSE to accept that stuff, i volunteered for my misery and i am only a victim of making poorly considered choices.
once upon a time, and it was not all that long ago, i was incapable and certainly unwilling to give freely of my time, even if all i was doing was hanging out watching TV or playing computer games. in those days, i was selfish and self-obsessed, believing that if anyone asked me to do something or help out, i was being severely put out, after all, it was all about me. after getting clean and coming to recovery, i flipped that coin and accepted everything that anyone asked me to do, as i assumed it would make me look less selfish and certainly less self-obsessed. man, talk about the pit of resentments and despair that behavior caused. it truly sucked to be me, in those days and i could not see a way out, as i had based my recovery identity on never saying no to anything. being a “service junkie” protected me from developing a “full life” as the fellowship ALWAYS came first. i was over a decade clean before i realized that my sponse may have a point, that perhaps i was putting all my eggs into the wrong basket and i needed to seek the ways and means to live a life i wanted to live and more importantly be someone i valued above the opinions and judgements of others.
these days, the word NO is part of my vocabulary as well, as “sure” and “not now.” i can still pile on the responsibilities, but most days i choose to keep just the ones i have, as they are usually more than enough. i have created space in my life so i can help out when asked and take on new tasks as well. i may still whine, bitch and moan about how busy i may be, but that it just out of habit and when i catch myself playing the victim to my busy life, i laugh out loud 🤪 as i know that IF i was not in recovery, none of this life would be probable and barely possible. just for today.

∞ DT ∞