Blog entry for:

job, family and friends, meetings, activities, sponsorship, step work. today could certainly be one of those days, HOWEVER, i have a different thought in mind. as the bus heads towards Boulder for my second to last day as a contract employee, i still hear the words one addict said the other night, ringing in my head. they spoke about normal and how they never wanted to think of themselves as NOT normal, and yet they sit in the rooms with me. for me, i use the word normal in a very specific and precise manner, it means the 85% of the human population that are not addicts. i got that number from a look across the animal studies done since scientists started studying addiction, namely the addiction to alcohol, as that particular drug occurs naturally in fermenting fruit. whether or not those studies translate to the primate called human beings or not, it does lend some credence to my theory that i was an addicted waiting to happen from the moment i was conceived. that does not change very much in the real world and that and a couple of bucks will get me a cup of coffee.
since i have come to accept that i differ from the other 85%, physically, emotionally and mentally, i have very few choices: active addiction, the misery of just plain abstinence or a program of recovery. i choose the latter, as the former choices have consequences that i choose not to face today. which in a sort of sideways manner, brings me to the topic at hand, my way too busy life.
as i sit here this morning, i am resolved to accept that living a program of active recovery, has given me this life and of course filled it overflowing with the activities, responsibilities and commitments that comes from living a life in recovery. i would not have the job i have, the house i have or the relationships with my peers, my friends, my sponsor and my sponsees without a recovery program. all of that stuff is a consequence of a life in recovery and i would whine if i had none of it, after all, i am entitled to…
as much as i may complain about a full life, the part of me i call addiction can an will discover anything that does not meet my expectations to complain about. i want, i deserve, where is the justice are words that echo in my head and when i hear them coming from one of the men i sponsor, or another member, i have to chuckle at the irony, as that is what i feel on more days than i care to count today. fortunately for me, or perhaps not, my sponsee, who seems permanently stuck in living out that litany of evil, has gone down south for a minute or so. he reminds me so much of where i was, and i am often envious of him being stuck in that place, as it provides the perfect justification for all sorts of nonsense. some of the time that is just what i want -- a get out of jail free card. a way to turn off, tune out and just take a little vacation from reality, which is what got me to this place, in the first place. i choose however, at least as i ride the bus to Boulder, to embrace this far too busy life and be at peace with the fact that feast or famine, i can never be satisfied, as i am inherently flawed in that respect. that is the addict within and that is a fact of my life, one that i can embrace and do something about: WORK A PROGRAM OF ACTIVE RECOVERY, JUST FOR TODAY!
so i think i have come to an end, yes the so-called normal people that comprise 85% or so of the human population may have it easier in some respects, but the part of the 15% who share a new way of living with are blessed in so many other ways, we always have the devil mad me do it card to play, if we choose to use it, or we can knuckle down, do the next right thing and continue our journey towards becoming the sort of people we used to believe was beyond our abilities. i no longer need to settle for anything less than i am worth, nor do i just need to grab on to the next thang that crosses my path, today i can be at peace and not court the misery that seems to stalk many of the people who are part of my life today. it is after all a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞