Blog entry for:

that includes all the feelings and problems that happen to be part of that package, whether or not i DESIRE those **accessories.** i have seen some pretty outrageous behaviors since getting clean in my life and it was generally me being at the center of those cyclones. my peers in recovery are far from immune from being such absurdities and last night i got to see petulant sulking and total denial, being played out in front of me. as sat this morning, the image of those behaviors popped into my mind and i had to have a bit of gratitude that for once, it was not me being an idiot. i may be socially retarded but am loathe to demonstrate that in front of my friends and peers, so i do my best to learn how to be a more social person in any situation. so what does that have to do with having a “full” life? i was just getting around to that!
one of my best defense mechanisms to keep others from getting too close to me, was to constantly whine and complain about the littlest and most trivial setbacks in my life, when nothing HUGE was occurring. i see that i have always been a cynic, although i took it to new heights in active addiction. as i learned to share, i sought that “darkness” out, so i could end with “at least i stayed clean today.” as i thought that was carrying a message of HOPE. it may have been, but that behavior is a reversion to maintaining my distance, especially after humiliating myself attempting to force my will on a group of my peers. i know today, that the life i have today, is not a confusing one, unless i cave in to the part of me i call addiction. that is the part of me that whispers that my problems are intractable, that my life is too full and that i need to have an “escape” from dealing with it, just once and just for a couple of hours or so. having a full life, is certainly a gift of recovery and there are consequences to living clean that may not be as pleasurable as living life in a chemical fog. when that insidious suggestion is presented, i used to rail and rant against and fall into a stew of self-pity starting with: “WHY ME!” the answer i now present myself is why not me, i am after all, just another addict, no better and certainly no worse than those in the rooms, even when they are flat out nasty to me.
part of this full life is having to go to work, today and most every day. there are times when i wished i worked for myself once again. when i start going there, i also remember what it was like, wondering how i was going to make my bills this week, as i was not very good at securing a steady stream of money. today, i can be grateful for the fact that someone is paying me and trusts me to be in the office and doing my job and i do not have to concern myself with finding customers. as this day unfolds, i can walk forward knowing that if i am present i will be able to partake of the opportunities that i am given, as they barrel down the pike past me, just for today.

∞ DT ∞