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as i begin to apply what i learn, my life changes for the better. it is true, i made a boat load of changes in the seed i swiped this morning. while it makes sense to write these in general terms that apply to the newcomer as well as to addicts like me, who have some clean time, there comes a place where i have to draw a line in the sand and write in the present tense to reflect what is going on right here, instead of one those vague past perfect tenses that the book seems to use extensively.
okay, tirade complete, where do i start? well this morning the tirade is exactly where i am. i get tired pf using wishy-washy, mamby-pamby language to describe where i am in my recovery and how i got here. it is a fact that when i got here, the addicts that were already here, were harsh with me. in fact the manner in which they spoke conveyed in no uncertain terms the reality of the choice i was to make, way back when and continue to make today. IF YOU WANT WHAT WE HAVE AND… permeated their shares in the rooms and in private, and i truly miss that sort of language. i know our text does say that we need to be careful of what we share, lest we drive the newcomer back out again, and perhaps that is the problem. i did not get clean the first time i walked into a meeting and yet here i am today, with days and days in row clean. i do not stay clean on yesterday's recovery. each and every day i LOOK at what the program has to offer, i DECIDE IF i really want that, then and only then do I DO WHAT THOSE WHO HAVE GONE BEFORE ME DID. i am willing to do whatever it takes this morning to foster my recovery, which for me means working my steps, calling another addict in recovery, making it to a meeting and reading the literature. PLUS, doing my level BEST to live the steps and the spiritual principles. PLUS, allowing myself to be human, without using being human as a rationalization or justification for my less than perfect behavior. just because i did not live up the the high standards i put in front of me, does not mean that i stop attempting to do so. i can and will do what is necessary to foster my recovery, which means taking care of myself. i will not sit here whining and moaning about how terrible life is because i happened to be cursed with the affliction called addiction. it is true, ADDICTION SUCKS, but it does not suck to be an addict in recovery today, and i am grateful i have at my finger tips, the means to become more than just another addict -- i can and have become an addict that is recovering and one that takes less from the world than he gives on a daily basis. one who sees a better life ahead of him. one who believes that no matter what, I WILL GET WHAT I NEED TO STAY CLEAN today. and most importantly, one who is taking responsibility for my recovery today. yes i have been through tough times, and yes there may still be tough times ahead, that does not mean i have to throw in the towel, bury my head in a substance dosed euphoria and run away. i can and will persevere, all i have to do, is allow myself to do so. so late as it is, i still have to take care of myself and hit the streets. it is a great day to be clean and more importantly it is a great day to live the life as an actively recovering addict. so once more into the breech i go.

∞ DT ∞