Blog entry for:

nagging feeling that something is not quite right, i know that i am starting a journey into STEP TEN territory. i have to admit that i am one of those people, who hates to ever own the fact that i am wrong, i behave in a less than stellar manner or that i injure those i happen to cross paths with, in word or deed. as a result, i use that “nagging feeling” as an early warning alarm, to prevent having to own up to a mistake, by changing my course of action, in the here and now. i am far from perfect in implementing that solution, hence a daily inventory, at the end of my day, and some text messages as i sit and reflect on what i may need to own up to. some days are certainly better than others in this respect.
it would be nice to end this little exercise right there, but that is not how i am wired, at least this morning. feelings about two of the men i sponsor, kept bubbling up to the surface and they were more than a bit disturbing. what i kept hearing was a huge bucket of doubt, as to whether or not i could continue those relationships in their current form. there is nothing about them that needs to change, it all has to do with my feelings and my reactions to those feelings. one of them is “stuck” and seems unwilling to get “unstuck”. the other, has in the past denied the very essence of this program of recovery. while certainly in different places, my feelings seem to be resentment-like, because i lack the power to shake either one of them out of their prison. i seem to lack the key that will unlock those barred doors and allow them to walk free, so i am more resentful at myself for what i lack, than to them for not doing something about it, themselves. certainly a bit of crap to dissect, digest and put into perspective over the next few days.
as i prepare to wrap this up and start my daily trek through my 'hood. i can see where my focus needs to be, on myself and not on them. as i have been reminded over the past few days, my life may look manageable, and i might have some personal power, BUT when it comes to addiction, mine and that of the others i care for, i have none whatsoever. living in a state of powerlessness, may be a constant reality for me, but it is one i choose to deny vehemently, by distracting myself from seeing the facts. i guess what i need to do today, is open my eyes, my ears and my heart to what i am feeling and be present enough to see the opportunities to do the next right thing, as i walk through my day.

∞ DT ∞