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changes my life for the better. are you ready for some lollipops and rainbows? the seed i took this morning could be see to foreshadow a move from cynicism into, well i am not quite sure. for certain, this could ba a litany of all the wonderful things that have happened since i decided to actually do the work to recover and start to learn to take responsibility for me recovery. NOTE: what i did not say, was since i got clean, as those are two entirely different events.
the reading yesterday and my misguided attempt to shout out one of the men i sponsor for a clean date anniversary, had me going down two separate tracks. one became evident as i drove to work, the harsh reality of this whole abstinence versus recovery gig. by the time i got to my desk, i was already behind, so it quickly went down the toilet into the bit bucket that is my mind. for some reason it arose from the dead and now i am trying to weave that topic into this. great work when i can find it.
that sponsee, said it best last night, that he is still clean, despite the fact he is not taking responsibility for his recovery. which took me back to something i was told in treatment, long before i had the desire to stay clean. that factoid, because i am not sure how anyone would really check, is that only one addict in five, gets this recovery gig, the rest return to active addiction.
that disturbing and unfounded statistic actually stands up to some scrutiny based on my experience. of the ten or so original members of my local fellowship, that nurtured the struggling seed of the fellowship in my home town, only two remain. one has definitely died of an overdose, two i know for certain were just using a “little bit” for medicinal purposes, if you catch my drift. the other five? well i certainly do not know, they drifted away a long time ago, and sometimes in my service efforts i run across one of them in the care of the local sheriff departments, but for the most part they drifted away and have not been seen lately. that does not mean that they are in active addiction or even living life as miserable wretches, it just means that they are not here.
bringing my spotlight back around to me, perhaps i could use a little something for medical purposes and not have my life fall to shit. the problem with that line of thinking is that i ignore my history. that little bit of medical something was what tripped my addict switch to on, way back when, and that switch, at least in m y limited experience, never returns to the off position, hence the part of having to take responsibility for my recovery. i really do like having a life, being able to form loving and caring relationships and show up to work day after day and actually give myself over to a job i enjoy doing, on most days. i like not being a statistic or in a body bag, due to addiction and i like being able to hold my head high and be a member of my family, my community and the fellowship that has taught me how to live. as a result, i am willing to pay the price it takes to maintain all of that, namely work an ACTIVE program of recovery, just for today. and with that it is time to head on over for another day in front of the keyboard.

∞ DT ∞