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is certainly not a skill i was born with, nor is it a skill i acquired while i was using. even this morning as i sit here trying to **negotiate** my way into having that $3000 cigar, i have a sense of futility about what i am doing. i get all fatalistic and have the desire to cave, after all, i have until the end of December to pass my **test.** i know what the consequences may be, i also know that i could probably get away with having just one. i am, however, unwilling to accept the consequences and i view this internal debate as evidence that i am still a f*cking addict and far from being cured. this morning, as the debate rages on, i also see that i am unwilling to pay the price for capitulation and that this is a CHOICE i am making, not to pay for the privilege to smoke whatever, whenever i have the desire to do so, whether that desire is fueled by a substance or a habit.
all of this takes me back to those days between my first meeting and my clean date, when i attempting to appear as if i was complying with the wishes of my higher power, the 20th Judicial District and still feeding my desire to use. what i wanted in those days was my freedom and the freedom to use whatever and whenever i had the desire to do so, whether or not that desire was fueled by a chemical dependence, social situation or habit. the way i am thinking and feeling this morning, is no different than back in those days and the plan i have made to enjoy a cigar after i pass the test, is no different than my plan to use the minute i was freed from my judicial constraints. it is far from ironic how i am trying to disassociate those two processes from each other, by minimization, justification and rationalizations. the fact is, now that i take a peek at it, they are one and the same and it is me who is working his butt off to find one iota of difference.
i certainly have the desire to stay clean today, no matter what. i have the desire to get everything my employer owes me as well. if i want to stay clean, i have to allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to give me what i need, not to use, just for today. why is that i want to abdicate surrendering my desire to smoke to that same POWER, after all, time and again, the action of doing so has allowed me the freedom to become something more than i was. this is without a doubt, a bout of self-will and a symptom of still being in thrall to the part of me i call addiction. as i wrap this up and get ready to make my commute to work, whether or not that journey will be tobacco free, has yet to be decided. i can take responsibility and surrender or i can fall into the self-fulfilling prophecy of if i am powerless, “why bother.” i am starting to see that i am worth taking the responsibility to do the next right thing for myself as well today.

∞ DT ∞