Blog entry for:

the gifts of recovery that i was not exactly fond of, way back when, was having to take responsibility for my recovery. of course what i saw what others had accomplished and what they had accumulated. of course i wanted all of that and more. what i did not want, was having to do the work trio get what they had, no matter how many times i heard: “if you want what we have, THEN you have to be willing to do what we did.” as self-entitled and self-absorbed as i was, i was going show “them,” that i could stay clean, my way and i did not need any of their E.xperience, S.trength or H.ope. that did not work out very well, and today, i understand that i am solely responsible for my recovery and relying on my peers is part of that gig.
one can argue that having to take responsibility for one's recovery, is hardly a gift and there are certainly times in my recovery, where i would agree, wholeheartedly. over time, however, taking an active part in my recovery, rather than just mouthing the words and pretending that what is wrong in my relationships is really outside of my sphere of influence, is how i choose to live today. most of what i stumble over these days, has to with myself and me not living up to my expectations, even if i appear to take it out on others and the world in general. i know i am mourning the sick structure that believing i was broken had given to my life and doing my best to deny that i can continue to live as i have lived, out from under that shadow. it is evident, at least to me, that is no longer “working” and the time has come for me to embrace my new self, even if i do not know what that self happens to be.
one thing i can be certain of, in my time of uncertainty, is that my FAITH in the fellowship and the program that has brought me this far, is not misplaced. i may not be a “'GOD” guy, but i do think that with everything going on, a bit of good, orderly direction, is not a bad thing and that direction, for me anyhow, comes from those with whom i share my recovery experience. time to put on the workout togs and get some miles under my belt.

∞ DT ∞