Blog entry for:

first surrender, then responsibility, where will all this madness end? seriously though, as i listened to what i was feeling this morning, i thought about the tirade i was subject to, not that long ago, about how it was the fault of everyone else, that my friend and peer, had once again used and ended up, once again, a guest of the Boulder County Sheriff. of course, my very first reaction, as the though drifted in, was fVck him and the horse he rode in on, just who does he think he is? yes, there is still a bit of a not so much of a glowingly warm feeling, when he enters my thoughts, but that heat is starting to lose the energy7 it once had. bringing it back to the topic at hand, one of the most disturbing realizations, st least for me is: “i am NOT respo0nsible for my addiction, but i AM responsible for my recovery.”
that statement, in and of itself, contains so much power for me, that i often wonder why i missed it for so long, as in did not even know it existed. it speaks to the frustration i feel for my friend. it speaks to the inevitable conclusion for me, if i choose to pretend that i need not do what has given me this life, just for today. more importantly it gives me the HOPE to continue along the path that i have been put upon. yes, i was put upon this path, as i was a victim of circumstances, way back when. no this was not some sort of predestination loophole in my belief system. no it was not some mysterious force pulling the strings in the background to drive me here. this was just the inevitable conclusion to the sort of life i was living. when i sought the easier softer way, this path was already here, and i mistakenly saw it as less heinous and shorter term than a bit of time as a ward of the state of Colorado. by the time came to actually choose to return to that life or stay on this path, it was quite easy to stay where i was, because i had reached the place, that like Scarlett O'Hara, i could think about using tomorrow, for after all, tomorrow is another day!
where does that leave me and why would i bring in the tragic tale of my friend? excellent questions, and when i ponder them, i bring him into this mix, because he is me. i did not want to be part of this “freak show.” i did not believe addiction was my responsibility, which according to the literature is true, BUT, i also believed it was the job of the fellowship to KEEP ME CLEAN, by giving me anything i thought i NEEDED, right when i thought i needed it. ah the good old days, when i could be self-entitled without any consequences, because, i was just another addict. it is sad that i look back nostalgically at the days before responsibility for my recovery, and almost revel in the days of ignorance i lived in, way back when. today, thanks to a program of active recovery, i cannot recreate the ease of blithe and obtuse disengagement from the reality of who i am, what i need to do today and where i want to go, as i TAKE responsibility for my life these days. so it is off into the real world and into a day full of a whole lot of nothing that needs to be done, other than work my program of active recovery. it is a good day to be clean and yes, own what i need to do, and drop the rest by the wayside, because it is not my burden to carry, at least not for today.

∞ DT ∞