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i am able to change my life. as i was reading this entry this morning, i heard an echo of something a perpetual newcomer said last night and i was struck by how close to the mark it was to my own ideas and thoughts across the course of my recovery. it is so apt, as this reading plainly states i am not responsible for my addiction. what he said, and what still rolls around in my head is that if i am not responsible for my addiction, than i am also not responsible for the actions and behaviors i perpetrated while in active addiction. after all, it is like that old Flip Wilson line, the devil made me do it!
man, oh man, what a hall pass, and if only that was true. i know where that came from in my own head, and where it came from another i will not even venture a guess. for me, being raised Catholic, absolution was one of the paramount spiritual gifts that i was taught to ask for. from a very young age, i was taught top own all of my sins, confess them and humbly ask for absolution. well, being who i was, i quickly learned that justification and rationalization went an extremely long way to prevent me from having to own my sins. if something or someone else made me sin, than it was not might fault, i did not sin, and hence did not need to seek absolution. that simple discovery opened up a whole new world for me, after all intent was the key, not the act.
so when i came to recovery and all of those here already, kept telling me i was not responsible for my addiction, my long practiced avoidance behavior kicked into high gear and for the first time in years my long repressed conscience could rest easy -- THE BAD STUFF I DID WAS NOT MY FAULT!
yes i read those steps on the wall, but i was still in my anywhere but here phase and did my best to disqualify myself. since i was agnostic the “GOD” steps did not count and all the harm i did was caused by my addiction and since i was not responsible for my addiction, STEPS 8 and 9 were going to be a piece of cake.
it is a good thing that i stuck aro8und long enough to get some recovery and discovered that yes indeed i was responsible for all the harm and damage i did in active addiction but still not responsible for being an addict. those members, my sponsor and my closed-mouth friends taught me not only to own that damage, but savor the opportunities to amend and repair that damage and own when i am wrong today.
indeed, i am not responsible for addiction, how i got it is really of no importance, except for some intellectual exercise that really will effect nothing in my life in recovery. why i act the way i do, is more important, especially when my behaviors are driven by feelings of fear and loathing in Colorado. what is really important today and every day i stay on this path, is that i take responsibility for my recovery, by living it the best i can, even when the best i can do on some days, is just phoning it in. today i want more, yes i am addicted to recovery, and i want everything it has to offer, and you know what, i can GET exactly that, one day at a time. so the POWER that fuels my recovery, put the desire to get to work early on my head and my heart, so it is off to the showers and down to Aurora for the last time i go. yes, and even that feels like the next right thing to do, even though i DO not want to do it.

∞ DT ∞