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and STEP TEN. for me, as am an addict who practices a daily program of active recovery, this is my conscience. whenever i get a moment to pause and actually respond, i ask myself, whether or not i have the DESIRE to admit i was wrong in this instance. in general, the answer is a resounding NO, and i have the opportunity to stop and change how i respond. one of the things that really torches my hide, is having to responsibility and make the admission that i was wrong. my TENTH STEP filter, allows me a bit of FREEDOM in this regard and i certainly find it a very helpful part of what i do and yes, who i am.
this morning, as i drove into work, i actually gave more than one of my fellow commuters the middle finger salute, as i was cut-off in traffic multiple times and nearly slammed into a car who decided to come to a complete stop in a through traffic lane. needless to say, my morning cigar was quite chewed and mostly consumed before i arrived at the office. sitting here and allowing myself an opportunity to chill a bit, write this little ditty and be grateful i was not on the side of the road with my car in pieces on the highway, i see that i reacted rather than responded, and i see that as a symptom of being a bit on the self-entitled and self-obsessed side. i know that it is up to me, to reset and recenter myself by allowing myself to “feel” that no matter what, what was, was and what is, is. life in my world is not that heinous, as my wounds are healing and i may be able to return to some sort of fitness routine next week. i know that is certainly part of the problem, as i am not used to “taking it easy” in this regard. i have lost one of the biggest tools i use to deal with stress in my life, so it is up to me, to find another manner of letting go and being okay, until i get back my routine.
as i walk through this day, i will need to remember that i am a bit off and will have a tendency to react, rather than respond. i can be present for what i am feeling and for those around me and pick a path that does not lead to an admission of being wrong. i can choose to listen to my heart, rather than my head and open my mind to the fruits of my recovery journey. i know that there is a path through the injury i inflicted upon myself and i am on that path, as troublesome and abhorrent as it may be to me. i have to defer immediate gratification, so i am able to see the world from the top of Africa and for this addict, that is one of the toughest tasks in the world, as i want in NOW! 🤯

∞ DT ∞