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a creative freedom helps me to sort my priorities and to do the basic things first. those basic things just happen to be for this addict. making sure that a program of recovery, with all of its trappings comes first. yes i know this is a different sort of “totem” than some are used to hearing or seeing. i have been noodling around in my head for what seems like forever why the one i have had jammed down my throat since the dawn of time bugged the living sh!t out of me. this morning while i was contemplating getting my foundation in proper repair for the day ahead, it finally was clear. what i was told, and told and told, violated this basic premise of what the seed of this reading is all about MY CREATIVE FREEDOM. over and over again i have been told that I MUST have this priority GOD, THE PROGRAM, MYSELF after those top three everything else needs to fit. not being a religious sort, and as always a skeptic about many things, this particular recipe for recovery always has left a foul taste in my mouth and i was hard put to figure out why and far too fearful and insecure to say anything against it. the literature of the fellowship that provides the framework of my recovery does not say this, in fact it stresses staying clean no matter what as my primary task of any day. it goes to strongly suggest a course of action to support that task. building a foundation BY admitting that i am POWERLESS and my life is UNMANAGEABLE. using the experience, strength and hope of the fellowship to build a connection to the POWER that fuels my recovery. allowing that POWER the opportunity to restore me to sanity and provide the guidance i NEED to live clean today. for me, it is the program that is the path to that POWER and as such, for me staying clean today is my top priority.
one could go on and on about philosophies and belief systems, and on another day, i might be tempted to do so. this morning i am content to pitch out those ideas that do not work for me, remove them form my repertoire of clichés and bromides, and live by what works for me. i, like everyone else i have met since joining this manner of living, do have a set of trite truisms, that litter my thought processes. i freely admit it, even though the fact that i do have that inventory annoys the living crap out of me, as i want to see myself as something original, intellectual and deep. as i gather up the days in a row clean, i am as my sponsor suggested moving away from the center of the program to try something else. i see it as more of a function of adolescent rebellion, rather than any actual paradigm shift, however when placed in the context of the paradigm shift that is occurring, i do get confused and angry.
remodeling my program on FAITH, instead of FEAR is difficult. right now it is a patchwork of additions and quick fixes, based on my last set of steps. what i have been challenged with by my sponsor, and what feels right today, is to allow that creaky, over-burdened structure to be swept away and replaced by something new and different. all the winds of change, to remake my program into something that is was meant to be. what is, is. what is not, is not. for me to continue to resist the rebuilding process is a waste of my time and energy, because in the long run, what is being replaced is truly not working as efficiently as it could be. so this morning i get where i am going, even though quite honestly, not being able to see around the next bend, scare the living sh!t out of me. this is where the FAITH kicks in, and as always when it comes to FAITH, i am the last in line. this morning, i can and will decide to make that move to the front of that line and allow a POWER greater than myself to work in my life, at least right here and right now.

∞ DT ∞