Blog entry for:

different forms as there are different personalities.
one of the nice things about not proclaiming explicit affiliation, is that i can make whatever grammatical and syntactical changes i want to, to the material i use to get rolling on these exercises. this was one of the liberties i took this morning, and right off, i make no apologies for doing so!
time to get off to the races here, before the weather du jour, moves in and i miss my opportunity to work out. there is a narrow band as the temperature has just dropped 15 degrees in the past 15 minutes. it is true i could alter my routine, but that is not what i am hearing this morning, it just feels right to stick to my plan and let the chips fall where they may.
the whole notion of a spiritual awakening was so foreign to me that when i came to the rooms, i took it for brainwashing or cult conditioning. after all, if i could not detect scientifically, either directly or indirectly, what did it really matter. spiritual stuff was for someone else, but not the rational man that came to recovery, all i wanted was a vacation from using long enough to get out of the jam i found myself in. so in those early days, even as i opened my mind, just the slightest to the possibility that there may be something to this spiritual side of life, this reading hit me smack dab in the face with stuff i was unprepared to process. the problem was two-fold, both coming from the fact that i had chosen to hitch my wagon to the wrong fellowship. first off, the message there was: “we do not care what your spiritual life looks like, but out of respect to the religious notions of our founders we speak in the language of a very specific religious manner. so get over it!”
the second being that i was told over and over again i was powerless over specific things, namely alcohol and all other mind and mood altering substances and that too, i had to accept, hook, line and sinker, regardless of what my actual experience happened to be. so to say the least, by this time the notion that i had made a bad choice was beginning to dawn on me. i did not however do anything about it, as i had come to believe that i was incapable of making good decisions, and that the fog of early recovery was what was keeping form being part of, in the spiritual sense.
the POWER that fuels my recovery was taking care of me, although i was not capable of recognizing that IT was working in my life. it kept me clean, it kept me open-minded and willing enough that when the time was right, i heard what i need to hear and became a REAL member of the fellowship i now call my home. that paradigm switch was part of the spiritual awakening i had, as a result of my first march through the steps. i am grateful that i was given enough time and information, that when i started to recognize the spiritual part of my recovery, i was ready to really explore it and allow it to grow. what i was told to do, way back when, you know“ throw my shoes under the bed, so I HAD TO GET DOWN ON MY KNEES, TWICE A DAY,” no longer applied. i had grown to where i had to leave the lobby, as my first sponsor said and move on. i do not think he meant a different hotel, stretching this metaphor a bit, but that was what happened and as a result, i am here today to write this seemingly random collection of ideas down.
today, i am grateful for being given the opportunity to stumble along, into my own ideas of what the spiritual side of life looks like. i am grateful that i get to experience spiritual awakenings on a fairly regular basis. and i am grateful that i can expect to continue to do so, as long as i practice an active program of recovery. so before the next weather change happens, i think i will go run into the wind and work off some of the excessive calories i consumed yesterday, it is after all, a great day to be clean and to take care of myself.

∞ DT ∞