Blog entry for:

in the world with love and life. do not worry i am not about to get all soft and mushy, even though the seed i chose this morning would certainly lend itself to traveling in that direction. yes i heard some daisy and unicorn stuff this morning, in fact there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, it is just that i cannot afford to pay the taxes on it! 😆
enough goofing off, this morning i feel lighter than usual. if the world spins the way i wish it today, i may have a sense of where i am going, by the time i reach my pillow tonight. it will be, as always, what it will be. even if things do not work out, i am starting to “feel” a sense of where i could be going, on the next round of steps. what i have received as a result of examining where i am, is that i no longer want to boost my esteem through the use of recovery status symbols, nor to i want to be a defender of the FAITH, rooting out heretics, unbelievers and the ne'er-do-wells. both of those roles are ones i have taken on, and actually wear pretty damn well. sitting here in my 12TH step has given me an opportunity to see that the progress i have made over the course of this step cycle, is easily swept aside when i play either or both of those roles. the fact is, REAL self-esteem does not come from accumulating people or things in my life, nor does it come from loudly and passionately perching what is right. my identity in the fellowship needs to be built from who i am, and not who i want everyone else to see. maybe i can afford to pay the tax on this little pot of gold!😏
seeing how my shortcomings are blocking me from growth has been a goal of mine, for a bit of time. waking up from denial and actually feeling those effects is quite an effort. i like to hide behind a wall of words, justifying and rationalizing with the best of them and in the long run hiding within a labyrinth of spiritual camouflage, daring everyone to enter my lair under penalty of great pain and death. as i was sitting with a peer last eating dinner and discussing STEP ONE, it came to me, how easy it was to be me. we spoke of our experiences and how in the end it was all about just getting high for us. i am quite certain that a year ago i would not have been able to establish the same rapport with him., i would have felt the need to hold back and show just enough of myself to keep him wondering who the fVck i really was. the fact is, a year ago, i was not really sure who i was, and as i sat on my TWELFTH STEP, what i am and am not, has become a bit less murky. if i were to adopt a convention from my industry i would say that DON.version version 4.12 is ready to ship and time to work on DON version 5.0. the awakening i have had,m this time around, seems to be of finally seeing the possibilities of really becoming that person i have been seeking for quite some time. i can let others see me. i can interaction with my peers on the same level. i need not be dismissive and judgemental of those who twist in religion and pop-psychology, when i have found that all i need is the 12 steps. most importantly, for me anyhow, i can be exactly who i am, instead of projecting the eminence front of who i think all of my peers NEED to see. i am beginning to see, that i am living in interesting times, in a personal recovery sense and can see myself moving forward it an uncertain, but exciting future.
okay, so i guess it was far more Kum-By-Yah, than i thought it might be, it seems to be part of the theme i am feeling, so i guess i can drop my cyncicism for now and see what this day brings, it is after all a great day to be living in FREEDOM from active addiction.

∞ DT ∞