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finding myself in service, brought up a totally different notion when i stumbled across this source material this morning. my experience across the course of my recovery was that i submerged my identity in my service efforts to the point where i identified as my service efforts, hence “losing” myself. once i stepped away from being visible in how and where i served, i finally “found” myself and started the work of becoming who i am. the point the reading is attempting to make is not about my extreme reaction to my low self-worth, self-respect and self-esteem, but rather to the notion of anonymity and the changes manifest by serving anonymously. my peers might say that i was attempting to fill the GOD-shaped hole within me, with the prestige and acclamation of my service efforts, and these days, as i look back, i would certainly agree. i can also say that my journey through the dark parts of my service to the fellowship allowed me to learn what selfless service really means and that knowledge has certainly provided the impetus for finding myself.
as i have learned to balance between fulfilling my needs and selfless service, i have come to an understanding of who i am and where i might actually be headed spiritually and emotionally. i can see that being defined by the service i do is not a healthy a state of being for me. as i grow in my program, with or without “advanced recovery” i begin to understand that using external stuff to “fix” me is not going to do squat. all the “stuff” i need, i already have within me, it just may take some more time to be uncovered. i can twist and turn about not being seen for who i am, but when i do so, i have to see my part in that angst. is it because i am not showing who i am to the world and my peers? or is it because i am afraid that if i actually let others see me through the service i CHOOSE to do, that they will reject and and demean me? is that, as i am apt to ask the men i sponsor, even a rational fear or just another excuse to bolster my denialism?
questions, questions, questions and the answers are not just popping off the stack this morning. what is, is that it is time to post this little ditty and get out and about for my morning workout. no matter what, today i am worth caring about and serving those who depend upon me, whether they know it or not. 😜

∞ DT ∞