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who i am, when i forget myself in service to others. when i was using, one of the ways i distracted myself, from myself, was to play psychoanalyst to anyone who was willing to play along, i offered “deep” insights and proposed all sorts of solutions, ones that i would never take for myself, but certainly fit the person i was “counseling.” getting clean and coming to recovery, seemed like i had finally “arrived” and i would be able to extend my practice into becoming some sort of recovery messiah. much to my dismay, i discovered that i really had very little understanding of the human condition and for all those years i was basically a peddler of pyscho-babble patent medicine and snake-oil. i am glad that those around me, saw how full of shit i was and were less than kind when they told me to shut the fuck up and listen for a minute.
these days, i no longer require service to others to distract me from myself. in fact, the last thing i wish to be seen as, is some sort of paragon of recovery virtue. growing some humility and learning how to serve anonymously has allowed me to grow into the sort of person i always admired: compassionate, kind, and soft-spoken. that does not mean that i have no opinions on how this recovery gig “should” be done, as i am as opinionated as i ever was. what it does mean, however, is that i give advice when asked to, offer solutions when asked to and listen when neither one has been asked for directly. when i allow myself to listen and shut off the judgement machine, i hear what i need to hear, even when i do not think that someone has something to say that will help me. i have to admit, that old tendencies and habits die hard and i am still tempted to jump in, when i “think” my feed back may be “helpful.” my daily inventories are rife with that behavior and owning that i was wrong by stepping into stuff that is not mine, is a frequent task.
moving into the here and now, i do believe that i will take a break from running, to allow the deep tissue massage the opportunity to do its magic. i know i am progressing physically towards my goal, as my “tight” clothes are once again fitting me and the effort i put out when i run, is becoming easier. just for today, i will allow myself the freedom to let go of who i think i am, what i think i have to offer and allow myself to hear what those in my life are trying to tell me.

∞ DT ∞