Blog entry for:

my spiritual awakening has helped me fill my place in the world with love and life. quite a heavy topic for this gloomy and almost snow-filled Tuesday morning/ no matter how much i try and hide it, no matter how much i spin it. no matter how much i attempt to ignore it, it always comes down to this: i am on a spiritual path and IF i want to keep what i have, i have to do what i have did from the very start. there i said it, even though the rational part of me hates to go into this wholes, mystical world of the unknowable. that part of me, wants to be able to quantify and verify everything, and i can only do so indirectly, by measuring the change within me.
one of those changes is that i waited until i had some extra cash before buying my new toy. even worse, it will be two weeks before it arrives and in the mean time, i will be going nutz waiting for that box to get here. be that as it may, this is not about acting out today, i have written enough about that. nor am i going to vent or pontificate this morning, that i is also an activity i have engaged in far too much lately. no i think i will take my cue from the reading and write about gratitude.
one question that quickly pops into my mind is what am i really grateful today? the program is not easy and required major concessions to what i thought was my quite comfortable lifestyle. being responsible for anything scares the living crap out of me. living in a world where there are few answers and not nearly enough justice, needs to be dulled and medicated away, and feelings? do not get me started, how could i be grateful for those? and yet, when i pause and let all of what i am sink in, i see a person who has only begun to live up to his potential. i see a man who is changing from a slacker, to a participant. i find that all that is wrong with the world and those around me, is not really my stuff after all. no matter how frightening that may seem to me, it is also a comfort to know, that i am being led up a path where change is constant and who i am today is only a rest stop towards who i can become. all i need do, is live the spiritual experience, have a bit of FAITH and let go of my expectations and in those moments, more will be revealed.
cue heavenly music
yes i am scared, but i am also excited. the chaos of not knowing what each day will bring, is far better than the chaos i intentionally created. from a place of gratitude, i can simply say, that all that i am, is more than i ever was and is only part of what i can be, wait for it, IF i keep living this spiritual program, by staying clean just for today. so time to post and pack up my little device. i am certainly willing to walk this path today.

∞ DT ∞