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okay hypocrisy alert, i said the disease of addiction at a presentation last night, without hesitating or stumbling one bit. when it comes down to sharing our message of HOPE even though i am not adherent to the “disease concept” theory of addiction , i revert to the party line without a bit of forethought. perhaps, no actually, that is not a bad thing.
i have no problem admitting that i am an addict, but saying i suffer from the disease of addiction, at least these days, makes me more than a bit spiritually queasy. as i sat last night and inventoried my day, i bumped smack dab up against that, and wondered if that was fronting something i am not. first off the rationalizations and justifications flew like a flock starlings fleeing from a farmer with a shot gun full of bird-shot. then, as i settled down i looked at my motives and came to the conclusion that trying to push my beliefs when i am at a place where i am trying to present our fellowship and its message of HOPE to a group, is certainly a place where i NEED to fall in line with what the literature says, no matter how much it goes against my grain. i also liberally used the word GOD and sprinkled in more than a few “powerless over everythings,” just for good measure. yet this morning as i put some perspective on what happened i see that even though i stepped away from what i believe in my heart of hearts, for a minute or two, it certainly was the next right thing to do. my spiritual awakenings to hos i see myself and my place in the world. spiritually and physically, is for me alone. i certainly can give it away to those who ask, but when i have a captive audience. i need to present what was first given to me, with as little of my spin on it as possible. i do have a unique take on the fellowship, just as my peers do, and there is certainly a time and place for presenting those ideas.
in this forum, of course!
in one of the meetings i attend on a regular basis, why not?!
when i representing the fellowship to a group of men, not a good idea.
the awakening i am having this morning, is that my experience, while certainly unique to me, has elements in common with those of my peers. the path before me, as i am starting to see it, is to live through how i see thinsg now, but present to those who ask, what it is that comes from the tradition of recovery i am a part of today. allow the men i sponsor, to find their own path to reach an accommodation with what the fellowship says and what they are coming to believe and leave my self-will out of it.
anyhow, yesterday's return to winter left a slickery mess on the roads, so it is time to pack this in and ease on, ease on down the road.

∞ DT ∞