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when i think about spiritual awakenings, mine in particular and those of my peers in recovery in general. i can honestly say that where once i tried to suss what that was all about and a achieve a logical and rational understanding, i got mired in confusion and my own biases and prejudices. i believed i had to have the same sort of spiritual understanding as i thought my peers did and made my spiritual path, at least look like what i thought their's did. what an enormous waste of time, but probably the path i needed to take to have an actual spiritual awakening of my own and to find the spiritual path i had long been seeking. when my first sponsor told me to “borrow” his concept of a HIGHER POWER, little did i realize that i would be beholden to his version for over a decade, no matter how “wrong” it felt to me. i was all about pleasing the men i called my sponsor and until my current sponsor released me from that notion, i kept myself sick.
this morning as i chose the “seed” for my dive into the void, i made a decision to listen to my heart, rather than my head. sure i could write about service, again. what i felt however is it was time to wrote about the awakening i am having as i consciously forgive my Mom and myself for the decades of repression of who i am. as i let go of what i was and how i believed i needed to be, it really is not that much different than when i let go of trying to please my sponse and having a HIGHER POWER that i thought looked like the one my peers had. as i feel the pain of anger, resentment and shame, i know that IF i choose to feel those feelings and allow myself to walk through them, that the gift of forgiveness is not all that far away and once again, i will be released from yet another set of chains that bind me to what i was. being freed from that person is a spiritual awakening of its own and one that i coming to cherish. just for today, i will let go of what was and embrace the what is.

∞ DT ∞