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i have truly had a spiritual awakening? based on the reading, the tests seem to be that i have found principles that guide me well and i have begun to care for enough for my peers, to freely share my experience, strength and hope. in that respect, i would certainly say i have had many spiritual awakenings, but as this ins my fourth round of steps, perhaps, as i am on the 12TH STEP. i should focus in on what changed this time, and leave the rest for another day.
it is always an interesting exercise to look at how i have grown across the course of a step cycle and the biggest change for me anyhow, is the fact that another veil of denial has been shredded. where once huge seemingly impenetrable walls kept ]me from seeking my own true will for myself, there are now much more transparent barriers, although they seem just as intractable at time,s as the ones that i had when i walked into the rooms.
i have no doubts that i am an addict and that fact will not change, that i am an addict, not whether or not i have doubts. listening to my peers, who have moved out from the program, i can see that life in the so-called world of the non-addicted is not only possible, but maybe even a bit desirable. it has been a few days since i last used, and that in and of itself, could be seen as evidence of something more. when i am in addict thinking, it is evidence that maybe this whole 12 STEP fellowship is NOT for me, and i could survive without it. the question than becomes, is surviving enough? i have tasted life where getting high did not rule me. i have tasted life, where i could form relationships, partnerships, friendships and do so with the courage to walk through my FEAR of being burnt. i have seen what being self-supporting financially means and i get the material benefits of becoming a member of society. all of that is wonderful, and perhaps it would continue, if i decided that i had enough of the 12 STEPS and the fellowship that is my home.
getting by and surviving is not what i am all about today. i spent far too many years asleep at the wheel, living by default and just getting by. this set of steps has taught me that i need no longer carry the weight of four decades ago, forward into my future. today, i know that i am not broken, nor have i ever been broken, i was just another addict, living my life in active addiction. today i know that what i think and what reality is, may not be one in the same. today i know that even if an addict is facing years in prison, i can continue to help him find the gifts that my recovery has presented. most of all i know that the path that recovery has given me, will continue to allow me to access the spiritual abundance that i am presented with each and every day.
so yes, i guess all of that is certainly part of a spiritual awakening, thew shape of which is still being revealed to me, after all the longer i stay clean the more i know that there is so much i do not know.

∞ DT ∞