Blog entry for:

established in my daily living.
before i get rolling:
CONGRATS on 2 YEARS clean Rebecca K, KEEP COMING BACK!
okay, now time get writing. so i had to leave a Facebook group this morning because i just could not stand what was being posted there anymore. what especially irked me off this morning is the lie one member has been telling for years being posted there once more. a lie? yes, what they say and what they do do not match by any means, and this shameful self-promotion, just bugs the every loving crap out of me every time they pass it on. not that i really needed much of an excuse to leave the group, it was just the final straw. of course what does that have to do with the topic at hand? well for one thing it shows me that i have not recovered by any stretch of the imagination. it also continues to show me, that clean time DOES NOT EQUAL recovery. part of what set the fire burning for me in that group was the us versus them mentality that many members posted with. i do not believe the majority of the members of that group were truly of that opinion, but vocal minority, continuing a battle they long ago lost, wrapping it up spiritual camouflage and presenting their revisionist view of history, is just a symptom of what is happening in society in general. it has been true throughout history, that the winners got to write history, after all that was one of the perks of winning. while i do not totally subscribe to that being a good idea, it is what happened. now the losers are getting to tell their side, which is also not a bad thing, as in the long run it gives those of us, who were not part of that battle a chance to rationally evaluate what happened. the problem is that the losers, continue to whine and spread dissension, frustrating any attempt to come to consensus and move forward. i see this in politics, in social battles and sadly in the fellowship that i call my home. to tell you the truth i am so utterly disgusted by that behavior, that throwing out what could have been a source of experience, strength and hope for me, was an act that i do not regret. honestly i am sick of hearing how fVcking spiritual you are, what i want is to see you put your words into action instead of pumping out so much hot air. the old cliché that actions speak louder than words is applicable here.
enough about them, how does this affect my recovery? well, it certainly shows me where i do not want to go, and a path that i do not wish to trod upon. when i suddenly appeared in the group, i felt something akin to honor and yes even a bit of pride. so i have yet to achieve that state of selflessness. here, i thought, i would find what i have been looking for, a large body of men and women who had walked this path before me, that are willing to give me what i desire. that was certainly the case for a while, than bit by bit, the self-promoters and the haters took over and my tolerance for tossing out the garbage and keeping the good wore thin and finally snapped this morning. certainly signs that i am far from being recovered, because there is regret and sadness in the aftermath of my decision to act.although in the long run, i know i will be healthier for those actions as it demonstrated that there is much more work that i need to do, if i want wish to restore a languishing relationship. i will have to grow, and perhaps what i want will never be achievable and that too is something i will grow to accept. for now, i am grateful that i do not have ALL the answers, that i choose not to be some sort of treasure chest of experience, strength and hope and that i can still have questions about how and why this program works that i need answers for.
yes, i would like to be recovered, but looking at those who act as if they are, well no thanks, i think sick and suffering is a better state for me, or even better yet, as the reading suggests, recovering just for today!
race day approaches so off to the streets to work out before it gets too hot today.

∞ DT ∞