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anger and resentment to forgiveness, is certainly a gift that i have received from living a program of active recovery. each and every time i initiate that process, with or without formal step work, i am still surprised by the relief i get. and yet, i resist, holding on to my anger and resentments, justified or not, for dear life. it is as if i think that maybe this time, i will get lucky and the party at which i am feeling that way towards will suddenly feel my pain, come back to me and make whatever slight i perceived, right. certainly a form of insanity, even with a minute or so clean.
this morning, as i sat, what i kept feeling was a sense of relief that i could choose not to carry the load of anger and resentments, just for today. i could let go of my self-righteousness and arrogance and just allow others to be themselves. i am not one that believes what goes around comes around, but i do insist that if i want to be respected, i have to be respectful. if i want to be treated kindly, then i need to be kind in all my affairs. most importantly, if i want want to feel whole and worthy, then i need to believe that others what me to treat them as worthy of my time and energy. that may have nothing to do with karma and dharma, but simply creating an atmosphere of mutually assured serenity.
as i figure out where i am going to work and what cigar will get me through to my CT Scan this morning, at least i know the direction that my heart is going. i tire of attempting drag others, especially the men that call me their sponsor, into seeing their lives through the lens of a program of active recovery. it is not my job, no matter how much i may think it is, to bring them to the enlightenment of open-mindedness and willingness. my job is to show them that path and allow them the freedom to choose to walk it, or not. i know that i can and do allow myself the freedom to change my opinions and beliefs based on accurate and factual information, that i may or may not see on You-Tube. after all, life is too short to allow myself to be lazy enough to carry someone else's predigested mental garbage that attempts to pass for knowledge and wisdom these days.

∞ DT ∞