Blog entry for:

not cured, BUT...
once again, i run up against the dilemma that all people in recovery face, when do i get to stop doing this recovery gig and move on with my life. i have been diligent, about living a program of recovery and the results are evident: material gains, friends, long-term relationships, self-worth, self-respect and self-esteem, so what else is there left to “GET?” the answer to that question, is o course, more will be revealed and the mystery deepens as the future gets shrouded in clichés and bumper stickers, that seem to satisfy many of my peers. for me the question is omnipresent and weighs heavily on my mind from time to time, or when pricked by a reading such as this one. but before i go on:

Rebecca K,
congrats on NINE years clean.
I am glad you stuck it out!

life has been happening at quite a pace for me lately and all of a sudden i am getting caught up in stuff i really have no bidness paying attention to, at all. so what if someone's itsy-bitsy feeling got hurt and they decided a resentment meeting that coasted on the coattails of a successful meeting was the “spiritual” way to go. so what if someone was a lying and thieving con man before, perhaps they have certainly had a change of heart and what they are saying today, is the honest truth, rather than the same old shite. the fact is, neither of my current butt-hurt “causes” furthers my ongoing recovery journey and all my obsession with them does is spin me down into greater insanity. certainly more than enough evidence that i am far from cured, as i have latched on on to what others are not and run with it all the way to a place where my recovery certainly is not enhanced.
the other realization i had last night, which was clarified this morning, is that just because i am cynical and tend towards a darker outlook on life, does not mean that i lack respect for my recovery and the recovery process. just as i like to be challenged, so do i like to challenge my peers. all the sunshine and light shares of some of my peers, does very little to prepare one for the inevitable bout with life on life's terms. the fact of the matter is, life is never fair, there really is no justice and if one allows it, one will be swept away on the tide of callous indifference. for me that means to grab on and hold tight, as it is always a bumpy night ahead. a bit of emotional preparation for the worst, never hurt me and i am grateful that i can balance that with a bit of HOPE that things will turn out in the best manner possible. time to go make the doughnuts!

∞ DT ∞