Blog entry for:

i am recovering — recovering from active addiction.
yes it is true, i have been clean a few days in a row, and as i stay clean, work steps and experience this new way of life, i grow up in all sorts of ways. one of the ways i grow, is that i am starting once again, to come around to meetings. of course the body has always been present, the rest of me, not so much. as i consider what i have been hearing lately it falls into a few camps: the stuck, the showboats, the preachers, the newest of the new, and the recovering. the last two, are the groups that keep me coming back because, they are the ones who have a message to share. the first two, are the ones that make me decide that all of a sudden i want a cup of coffee, or have to use the restroom, or head on outside to hang with the smokers, and are probably the message i really need to hear, because i am the most unwilling to hear it. lately, that is where my focus has been, on the shares that seem to have no redeeming value to me. instead of just listening, i am in the process of forming a REBUTTAL to all the nonsense i just heard and because i have been here a day or two, i have not been sharing. no i play silly little games, such as counting the “likes,” and “you knows,” that are liberally sprinkled through their grand elocution, to keep myself from arguing with them in my head with each new phrase. neither distracting myself or removing myself, are healthy options for me, and as my TENTH STEP has been clearly demonstrating, IF i want to get better, than i NEED to turn this slide into disqualifying myself from recovery, around. this behavior or groups of behavior is no different than when i was in the wrong fellowship and i used to tell the old farts who said they spilled more than i ever drank, sloppy drunks! i did everything i could to piss those members off, so they would kick me out, and they told me to keep coming back. i would like to say the shoe is on the other foot now, but it really is not, i still have a part of me that wants to be kicked out of recovery and does whatever it can to foster someone doing just that, telling me i am too something and i should find a new place to hang.
so it goes, as i grow in public: out, up, or spiritually, i GET to learn how to be more than just another using addict. i GET to be among the few members of the “NO MATTER WHAT CLUB.” and i get to do whatever it takes to be more than i was yesterday, whatever that looks like. perhaps this week will be the week, where once again i can share something worthwhile, other than the vile and venomous sh!t that has consumed me at meetings, maybe not. one thing i know for sure, up until now, i have been doing the next right thing, in this regard and when the POWER that fuels my recovery, gives me s swift kick in the spiritual a$$, i will dump whatever is in my head and my heart into the meeting i happen to be attending. it is certainly a great day to be clean and to have somewhere to go and something to do, and even better to have the desire to be something more than i was yesterday. yes i am something i am an addict who is living a program of recovery.

∞ DT ∞