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and some days that really sucks. i see members who after accumulating some time, stop working the program so diligently and they seem to be okay. with me, however, that does not seem to be the case, i slack even the slightest and i seem to be up to my nuts in living problems. in fact, for me to just keep on a fairly even keel, i have to do what i have been doing for the past three thousand one hundred and ninety days. well that is a bit of an exaggeration, i do not have to call my sponsor every day any more, nor do i need to attend one or more meetings every day anymore, but it feels like the stuff i need to do is just as much work as those simple two tasks. and there is a part of me, probably the part of me i call my disease, that says take a break, after all you deserve a brief vacation from the tasks of living the program of recovery, you could probably slide a day or month or even a year or so and still be okay! and you know, sometimes that sounds so fucking attractive to me, that i almost allow myself to go down that path. it gets tiring trying to follow a spiritual path in this busy, materialistic, mundane world, and sometimes it seems just easier to declare myself cured and move on. then a reading like this comes along and reminds me why i am on this path, after all if using and active were so fucking great, what the hell am i doing here? i forget how it felt to be numb, isolated and violating my inherent moral standards on a moment by moment basis, and that is the basis for my desire to stay clean and learn a better manner of living. i like the gifts i have been given, and they are the fruits of my diligence in working the program of recovery as my predecessors did. so i guess i will not declare myself cured today, do what i need to and move forward, after all i did not get clean just to whine about how much work i need to do to stay clean!

∞ DT ∞