Blog entry for:

brings new healing and the hope for more tomorrow. even though this is a just for today sort of manner of living, the hope of being a better man tomorrow is quite a motivating factor.
yes, it would be nice to move into “advanced recovery”, as a result of piling some days up in a row. there are some symptoms of that, after all, i do not obsess about using, nor do i even have the desire to use anymore. that seems to imply, that either i was never an addict, or drug use was just the tip of the iceberg and time in recovery reveals what lies below the surface. i have been working through this very argument for quite some time now, and the answer still is a bit elusive. now that my current obsession has been taken away, how to bring a recalcitrant sponsee out of his little narrow world view and back into recovery, while he waits for the hammer to fall, i can get back to me. after all, this is always all about me, how i am feeling and what i NEED to recovery today.
the argument as so succinctly spelled out last night was that addicts never get this many days in a row, without using or having the desire to use, therefore i must not be one, hence i can use like i want to. the fallacy in that line of thought is revealed in the hence clause of that statement. seriously, the other 85% of the human race do not think about using or even drinking every day all day. in fact, i would wager the only thoughts they have about the subject is whether or not the desire to do it, when put into that situation and if they are doing too much and need to find another way home. neither of those thoughts ever crossed my mind, too much was a state i reached when i could do no more, and i never thought about it, when given the opportunity to use, the answer was always yes, with very few exceptions. so equating recovery to abstinence, for me anyhow, is a deadly trap. i am sure i disappointed the new member i spoke to yesterday afternoon, when i said i shared his fondest for his favorite and only substance BUT would not consider using it again, even though it was legally acceptable and well on its way to becoming socially acceptable. my reasoning went, that because i had sampled lots of things beyond that substance i would never be satisfied just using that single substance and sooner or later i would return to seeking the highs and the lows i achieved in my active addiction. i finally understand that is who i am, and that is where i would go, regardless of the consequences. with all of that in my life, i can certainly see that i am an addict, and although i have focused on a very slim slice of how i behave and think, that sort of pattern of thought pervades my whole being. in fact, even after some time clean, i see that recovery, although focused on different and much deeper issues, never is far from what initially brought me to my knees and forced me to admit to myself, that very first time, FOR REAL, that i was an addict. the only solution that has ever worked for me, continues to work for me today, namely a program of active recovery, which is certainly screaming at me, the next right thing for me to do, is to hit the showers and get on over to Boulder, as i would love to be home before 6:30 this evening. it si a great day to be something more than i was yesterday.

∞ DT ∞