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Sat, Jun 6, 2009 08:38:16 AM


α i may wail, **but i have been working so hard, i thought i was …
posted: Sat, Jun 6, 2009 08:38:16 AM

 

...recovered, maybe? not hardly. BUT SOMETHING DAMMIT!
certainly sounds familiar to me, a refrain i hear over and over again. of course, the litany of whys continues: why do i have to keep working steps; why do i have to go to meetings; why do i have to do service; and why do i have to sponsor? and on and on and on…
that is when i need to get a BIG dose of reality because the answer is the same -- SILLY BOY, YOU ARE AN ADDICT! addiction, may be considered a disease, but unlike cancer, five years in remission does not equal cured -- as a matter of fact neither does 10 years or 20 years or even <GASP> 30 years. the experience of those who have walked this path before me is, that addiction is omnipresent once it is manifest as such needs to be treated by the application of a rigorous maintenance schedule. does that mean i am doomed to fail and start using again at the drop of a hat? well maybe not, i am unwilling to take that chance, i have seen what happens to those who have what may be considered **significant** clean time use and then try to find their way back to the rooms. their experience shows that for recovering addicts with some clean time, it is easier to stay clean then to get clean again.
so the next part of this discussion is since i have some time clean, maybe just maybe i can use like a **normal** person. after all, it has been more than a decade and maybe the need i felt, the obsession to find the ways and means has been fixed by all the work i have done in recovery, after all, the object lessons i had about members with time, were always not doing something that i have been doing for quite some time. so maybe i am different…
different? hell NO!
i know where all of this springs from, it springs from the part of me i call my addict. that part longs for the time when i could participate in one of, no belay that statement, THE activity i MOST enjoyed in the world of active addiction -- getting HIGH! even today, i still see that i i loved to get HIGH, and even after almost three step cycles, and hundreds of meetings, and service work up the gazoo, and sponsees and being sponsored, i feel a certain thrill and joy when i think about getting HIGH.
as i have said before, getting HIGH worked for me, right to the end, and without a doubt would probably work for me again, it all comes down to choice. do i choose to return to the twilight world of medicated numbness? or do i continue to live in the real world of night and day of life on its own terms, with a full range of emotions, and the ability to be responsible and present for whatever goes on. my choice is the technicolor world of the here and now, at least for today, i can return to the twilight world at any time i choose. when i consider the difference between those world i am struck by the scene in the Wizard of Oz, when Dorothy opens the door to her house and Munchkin land is revealed. gray and drab -- but medicated OR technicolor and vibrant -- but REAL. quite the choice and as a person who is recovery i choose the latter this morning. so off to hit the streets and get a bit of stuff accomplished, life in the real wor;ld does require my participation.

∞ DT ∞

 

djtConsulting Brand
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.

Another Look!

∞ it is not fair ∞ 316 words ➥ Monday, June 6, 2005 by: donnot
α recovery does not happen overnight, and mine will never be complete ω 393 words ➥ Tuesday, June 6, 2006 by: donnot
α again and again, i will turn to the process of the steps ω 465 words ➥ Wednesday, June 6, 2007 by: donnot
μ after some time in recovery, i may find i am faced with what seems like … 571 words ➥ Friday, June 6, 2008 by: donnot
δ no matter what i may have dealt with through the process of the steps δ 443 words ➥ Sunday, June 6, 2010 by: donnot
∑ the 12 STEPS are a progressive recovery process ∑ 779 words ➥ Monday, June 6, 2011 by: donnot
∏ i will do what i can for my recovery today and ∏ 455 words ➥ Wednesday, June 6, 2012 by: donnot
∝ each day i live a program of active recovery, ∝ 647 words ➥ Thursday, June 6, 2013 by: donnot
² and i am **something.** ² 639 words ➥ Friday, June 6, 2014 by: donnot
¿ recovered, maybe ? 687 words ➥ Saturday, June 6, 2015 by: donnot
∥ a progressive ∦ 580 words ➥ Monday, June 6, 2016 by: donnot
☕ recovery does 🔥 588 words ➥ Tuesday, June 6, 2017 by: donnot
😏 well, maybe 😎 505 words ➥ Wednesday, June 6, 2018 by: donnot
🕛 after some time 🕦 582 words ➥ Thursday, June 6, 2019 by: donnot
😉 the hope 😲 539 words ➥ Saturday, June 6, 2020 by: donnot
🙃 what i 🤨 244 words ➥ Sunday, June 6, 2021 by: donnot
😰 from pain to serenity 🙂 441 words ➥ Monday, June 6, 2022 by: donnot
🛎 service 🛎 481 words ➥ Tuesday, June 6, 2023 by: donnot
😡 going from 🙂 434 words ➥ Thursday, June 6, 2024 by: donnot
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☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯

THE TAO TEH KING, OR THE TAO AND ITS CHARACTERISTICS
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge

Book 2

1) The Tao produced One; One produced Two; Two produced Three; Three
produced All things. All things leave behind them the Obscurity (out
of which they have come), and go forward to embrace the Brightness
(into which they have emerged), while they are harmonised by the Breath
of Vacancy.