Blog entry for:

for more tomorrow. as an addict i always seem to want more of what i have. ironically, the **more** i have the desire for today, is more recovery. i have long given up the notion of being **cured** or **recovered,** as i have seen the results in the lives of many of my peers, as they moved into that state of being. for this addict, recovery has given me a gift that i have come to cherish, the means to admit that i am not **well** and that i **need** something **more.**

Rebecca Q.
ELEVEN (11) years clean!
Congrats on your journey through to this JFT.

after getting that picture of what i once considered the last best day of my life this week, i have been filled with a swirl of feelings and emotions. those are all reactions to the “what if” i had played the legal system game a bit better and found the ways and means to come out of my consequences, still using. that little bit of mind-fuckery has made me consider that the real gift i have received out of my recovery journey, is myself. it is not as if i have sudden insight to the nuts and bolts that make me who i am, but i do have clues about the effects of using for decades on end, had on who and what i once believed i was. looking at the lies i have told myself for so long that they have become my “truths” is tough. using allowed those lies to be written in stone and now the drip, drip, drip of active recovery, is finally beginning to erode that stone away. to halt that process now would be a great disservice to myself and certainly a symptom of cratering to my FEAR of becoming something more.
i may not see the path ahead of me with any sort of clarity. i may not have a map of the mine fields that lay on either side of that steep and narrow path, but i do have a path. staying on that path means i need to replace my FEAR with a bit of FAITH, that in the long run, the “more” that may come, will be exactly what i have been seeking since the day i first told my that because i am different, i will never amount to being the best at anything, so why bother.
as i consider the topic for my share tomorrow morning, maybe i need to stop thinking about what is not and focus on what may be. even though i share my feelings of anxiety and angst with many around me, i do not need to allow myself to react by swallowing those feelings and pretend that everything is alright. maybe, just maybe, as i walk around the hood this morning, i can allow myself the freedom to see the beauty of today and stop worrying about the possible dank and dark future that may become reality, tomorrow. it is a good day to celebrate what i have, rather than focus on what has yet to pass.

∞ DT ∞