Blog entry for:

in recovery, my expectations about where i am at physically, spiritually and emotionally, very rarely match up reality. the problem is, as my own harshest critic, the measuring device i use, is warped and biased towards proving that this recovery gig is just not working for me. how the F*CK am i supposed to know what having twenty-one years and change clean is supposed to look like, as i have never been here before? i know what how i felt with a decade clean and before i go down the path of expectations and the story of diminishing returns, a quick shout-out:

Rebecca K!
TEN (10) years clean.
Congrats and keep coming back.

where was i? of course expectations and diminishing returns. the facts of life for this addict, is that even before i became a member, my life got a whole lot better. abstinence led to greater financial security, ambition to better myself educationally and the ability to form some sort of intimate relationships. i might not have had a “pink cloud” of recovery, but it seems the minute i had all the immediate consequences of my last use behind me, things were great and i was on track to “graduate” from recovery in less that eighteen months. quite an ironic series of events derailed that plan and tossed my life into the blender. oh, i stayed clean, but all of a sudden i wanted more than i was getting from mere abstinence, i wanted the desire to stay clean, even though the desire to use had left me, early on. self-willed action culminating in a basement apartment in New Jersey, with a using buddy and a pile of a substance i adored, drove me desperation and that desperation, finally printed out my membership card.
it has been a minute, since that fateful early morning and the external stuff i quickly achieved once i got clean did not translate to the spiritual and emotional gifts i really, really wanted/ in fact, what i wanted seemed to take much longer than i wanted it, and when it finally happened i missed it. i was so used to looking at processes as events, that i did not believe that i would ever get “better.”
sitting here and taking a look at my life, i realize that self-will put me into the hole financially and slowly but surely i will get back to the place where i feel secure. the trait that bothers me the most, at least consciously is my DESIRE to look “good.” when i spend a minute and look at that with a calm and measured sense of self, i see even that is not as “bad” as i make it out to be. no, it has not been removed, but for the most part i get a CHOICE of whether or not i need to follow where that DESIRE leads and most of the time i CHOOSE not to play that game.yes i have too much self-respect to ask for a “pity” invitation, but i know i am no better than someone who feels that need. i have just made the choice that, just for today, i am right where i am supposed to be, physically, spiritually and emotionally. that is enough to get this addict off his diminishing ass and into getting ready for some relaxation and celebration.

∞ DT ∞