Blog entry for:

maintain hope in the ongoing process of recovery.
okay, it has been one of those mornings already, nothing is working, and i am getting to the point of frustration, and i have yet to leave my house! so i think i will take a breath, go pack my lunch and start over again.
well i am no closer to leaving the house, but i am a whole lot closer to being ready to face the world.
yes, this is one of those readings that send me off into all sorts of tangents. today, i really do not have the time to go there, or do i. the thought has been rolling around in my head, like a lone marble, that maybe i am not an addict, any sort of addict, that i just had a bad patch and it was a phase. the evidence for this is that i have told no one where i work, and yet have not gone out drinking with them, nor have i had the desire to do so. without the thoughts of using consuming my every waking moment, it sometimes become harder to believe that i really belong in the program, and perhaps i would better serve myself, to walk away and enjoy the life i have built up through my own effort and hard work. and yes even reward myself from time to time, with a little sumthin', sumthin'! after all it has been nearly 5400 days since the last time i used.
as i reread that last paragraph, i hear my self-will, lulling me into denial, and filling me with the sort of dishonesty that was endemic in my first few months in the rooms. the irony here, is that it almost true and the part of me i call addiction, knows just how to sugar coat the bitter pill of the consequences that would follow. just like my friend, who shares about nothing, because he has no recovery to share, i would become a shell of the man i have been in the process of becoming. i probably would not die instantly from an overdoes, or end up in the back of a police cruiser in handcuffs, right away, but those possibilities would become much more probable, as one drink or toke, turned into something else and something else led me into that spiral of once again filling the whole of my soul with stuff that never can satisfy me. so just for today, i think i will do what i need to do, to stay clean and live a program of active recovery and BTW 3 years clean Rebecca K, congrats my friend!

∞ DT ∞