Blog entry for:

not happen overnight, in a vacuum, or by wishing it was so.
once upon a time, i was certain that all i had to do was stay clean and attend meetings and i would be entitled to the sort of lives i saw the “winners” living. over and over and over and over again, i was quite disappointed to hear that they achieved those lives by applying themselves to a progressive and active program of recovery. once i started doing a few of those things myself, i was further disappointed by the glacial pace, as it appeared to me, of the external and internal parts of my life, it just seemed that no matter what, i my life would only improve so much, and i was frustrated, bitter and yes angry that all of those fVcking promises did not come true for me, after twelve steps and twelve months clean, in the wrong fellowship. it was more than enough to start seeking another way and the path started down, eventually and fortuitously led me to the fellowship that i find myself comfortably a part of today. before i go on, a shout is is called for:

Rebecca K
RIGHT (8) years clean.
I am glad you still do the needful, just for today.

where was i? ah yess, whining about the pace of my recovery, back min the day. it is not that all of a sudden when i actually became a member and started working the steps, honestly and with some effort, all of that changed. what did change though, for the first time i had some HOPE, that i would get better, and that as a result so would my life, the irony here is quite delicious. once i stopped trying to detect what changes were being manifest within me, they just happened. it was not unlike the fact that i “missed” the moment i no longer had the desire to use. in fact, it was probably ninety days after the fact, that i realized i was not consumed by thinking that maybe one day, i would use again.
all of that is history and while it may be fun to compare who i was to who i am, it really does not change the fact, that i am still an addict. i am still prone to bouts of extreme indifference to the world around me, and my fellow travelers in this time and place. as much as i think i would love to walk away from the effort i put into my recovery every day, the rooms, and my peers in recovery, i realize that is just the part of me i call addiction, trying to reestablish itself. comparing who i was, to who who i am, i can see that i have come quite a distance from those early days. i far from “recovered” or “cured” and i find that as i apply myself to an active program of recovery, stuff changes, although i still like the feeling i get, when i think i am “getting away with something.” it is a good day to be clean, even though i have a tedious task or two, to perform for my employer. life is good on this side of the grass, and perhaps i can act my way into a bit better thinking, instead of trying to think my way into behaving better, just for today.

∞ DT ∞