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this can be frightening, but it is the foundation on which i am building my life
i have to admit it, i HATE this concept, surrender. wholeheartedly and with a determined passion that borders on obsession. i also have to admit i LOVE the benefits i derive as a result of complete surrender and letting go of having to do battle. existing between those extremes is where i am most of the time, and as i am sitting somewhere between today, i think i will sit where i am and talk about that for a change.
my definition of surrender, at least the one i choose to use to make the concept more palatable to me, and after all it is all about me, is to cease fighting. that way, i have no need to explain, rationalize or justify my desire to cease my effort, and in my head i get to go on to another day. there is one thing that i have to admit on a DAILY basis that has my ass whupped, and that is addiction. as much as it galls me to say it, i CANNOT, UNDER MY OWN POWER AND WILL STAY CLEAN ONE DAY! the evidence in this regard IS OVERWHELMING AND WITHOUT A DOUBT, THIS IS A SAD OR HAPPY FACT OF LIFE FOR ME. when asked by a member of the other 85% if after some time clean, whether or not i can control my use, i loathe to admit it, but the answer is always NO. in fact, one of my book club members, who is on a spiritual not religious path asked me that question last week. i have seen the effect on people like me, that decide that clean time equals something more than it really does and have tested those waters. if they can successfully use, i would never know as they would disappear into that other 85%, what i hear about is the fatal consequences as well as see those who could not, drag themselves back into the rooms, telling their horrific tales of woe. what makes me think i would be any different?
owning where i am powerless is an important part of my daily program and after working with a sponsee last night and going to a meeting i have not attended in quite some time, this morning i feel connected to what has been missing lately. i do not believe that those events were the impetus nor the terminus, merely a way station on the process i started after speaking to my sponse three weeks ago. my journey in uncovering the FAITH i need, is now starting to bear fruit, and i am starting to see what he meant when he told me that by shortening the depth of my field of vision i broaden the width. today, i am ready to commence the journey i need to undertake in the here and now, all the time remembering that the focus of my life is not to get what is my due, but to accumulate the experience i NEED to live another day clean. the ONLY way i can accomplish such a lofty and treacherous goal is to live content in the knowledge that i have been beaten down by addiction, but there is a POWER that can and will care for my will and my life if i allow IT to.
which i am happy to report, is right where i am supposed to be. so off to do some lawn work, some money work and some fun work. it is a good day to…

∞ DT ∞